A Soul-Searching Journey

Kendall told me one day, “Mom, everything sounds better and much more dramatic when you say ‘soul searching journey’ with it.  For example, I can say ‘I cleaned my room’, or I can say ‘I cleaned my room and went on a soul searching journey.’”

I had to agree it did sound much better and exciting.  And sometimes cleaning her room is not only a soul searching journey, but also a carpet searching one, too!  A two for one adventure!

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me to know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me to the way of everlasting.” Psalm 139:23

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.”  Psalm 51:7

Sometimes with this life with autism, I get depressed.  “Why can’t we do ‘normal’ things like other families?  Why do we always struggle with her behaviors? In a nutshell, I am discontent.  “I wish I had….”  “I wish I was….”  “I wish life would be….”  My discontentment can breed envy and bitterness if left unchecked.  It is a joy stealer.  If I let it progress too long, I find myself empty and distant from the Lord.  This is when I need to go on my own ‘soul searching journey’ with the Lord.  I love these verses that it reminds me that God is ready to give me the good cleaning my soul desperately needs!

I imagine the Lord looking at my spirit and seeing the sin I have left gone unchecked.  As I cry out to Him asking forgiveness, I imagine Him taking my spirit and like an old fashion washboard giving my spirit a good scrubbing.  When I confess my sins and let Him remove them, my spirit is refreshed and renewed.  While sometimes painful, it is just the soul searching journey I needed.  No drama, just peace, joy, reassurance and contentment.

12 thoughts on “A Soul-Searching Journey

  1. Kristen Kreiner

    Jill, you are my inspiration in dealing with my own daughter. While not as severely autistic as Sarah, she still can be extremely challenging to live with. If we’re out in public, I fear judgmental thoughts of others, since she can seem “normal” to others until she digs in her heels, withdraws, or pitches a fit. I find myself in the depths of despair and crying out to God for help. I need to go on those soul-searching journeys more often–before I hit bottom. Thanks for your insight. You are a blessing.

  2. Gayle Butler

    beautiful and inspiring, as always Jill. you write as only one who has gone through crucibles and who daily lives in the trenches can. because of your pain and surrender (soul searching adventures)…..we who glean in the wake of your life are all the better with our souls nourished and taken to new heights. thank you. lifting you and your dear heart up to the Lord for strength and blessing today. may your feet continue to be hinds feet in high places. love, gayle

  3. Laura Imlach

    For me, the hardest part of this struggle is that it’s not “resolved” – there hasn’t been a miracle yet, so the marathon continues. Your faithfulness in trusting God, even during times of frustration and doubt, both inspires me and makes me cry (because I love you so and wish you didn’t HAVE to be so brave). And because I also love your sense of humor, I’ll mention that the end of your post brought up an ad for “StubHub Touchdown Dance Contest” on my page. 🙂 SweetJillyG, get your groove thing going! I’m sure you’ll take 1st place!

    1. Thank you, sweet Laura! I can’t see or control the ads. I just know that they put them in as part of the free blog service. Hmmm….I will have to ask Jack for some moves! 🙂 Love you!

  4. Angela

    As always, I’m convicted and challenged as i read your words. Not only do you allow God to show the areas he wants to change, you yourself participate in that journey by asking him, just like the psalmist, to do the testing of your heart and to to do the revealing. And by being a clean vessel that God has scrubbed clean, you continue to be a light that displays how great God is. You are a blessing. Praying for you and the family as you face each challenge. We love you!

  5. clsbutler@q.com

    Always appreciate your openness as you walk in the world of Autism. Remember on this side of Heaven, we only see the back side of the beautiful quilt that God has made for us. When we see Him face to face we will understand it better and know that All Things Work Together To Those Who Trust Him! I can relate some situations with Uncle Paul, that made it hard to be part of a group. Out Sunday School class would organize activities that Paul would not have been able to be a part of. Yet, we were in a small group with Dick and Joan Marshall. They were so anxious to help make activities for our small group, that we learned to do what was feasible and not what everyone else did. You are on my mind daily. I pray for you and your whole family. Just so thankful that your 3 other children are not acting out or being demanding that so much time has been spent on Sarah! I am so thankful that you were finally able to see the Specialist a few weeks ago. Any news on the care and or help for Sarah? You certainly have God’s Hand on your life!—– Love to all of you, Aunt Carol Original Message —–

    1. Thank you, Aunt Carol! You and Uncle Paul are a beautiful example and testimony with your journey! Thank you for your prayers!! If you go to the Praise/Prayer Request tab it will show you updates. Sarah’s appointment with the doctor is later this month for the next phase, which we need to get services for her. We were told it had a long wait list, so we are thankful we are getting in! Thank you, again, for your faithful prayers!! We are deeply, deeply grateful!! Love you!

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