Kendall told me one day, “Mom, everything sounds better and much more dramatic when you say ‘soul searching journey’ with it. For example, I can say ‘I cleaned my room’, or I can say ‘I cleaned my room and went on a soul searching journey.’”
I had to agree it did sound much better and exciting. And sometimes cleaning her room is not only a soul searching journey, but also a carpet searching one, too! A two for one adventure!
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me to know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me to the way of everlasting.” Psalm 139:23
“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.” Psalm 51:7
Sometimes with this life with autism, I get depressed. “Why can’t we do ‘normal’ things like other families? Why do we always struggle with her behaviors? In a nutshell, I am discontent. “I wish I had….” “I wish I was….” “I wish life would be….” My discontentment can breed envy and bitterness if left unchecked. It is a joy stealer. If I let it progress too long, I find myself empty and distant from the Lord. This is when I need to go on my own ‘soul searching journey’ with the Lord. I love these verses that it reminds me that God is ready to give me the good cleaning my soul desperately needs!
I imagine the Lord looking at my spirit and seeing the sin I have left gone unchecked. As I cry out to Him asking forgiveness, I imagine Him taking my spirit and like an old fashion washboard giving my spirit a good scrubbing. When I confess my sins and let Him remove them, my spirit is refreshed and renewed. While sometimes painful, it is just the soul searching journey I needed. No drama, just peace, joy, reassurance and contentment.