Today, Sarah signed over her rights.

Now that Sarah is 18 years old, she is legally an adult. Realistically, she can’t care for herself. To care for her and have the rights to do so, we needed to do something legally.

We walked into our county’s agency and we were led into a large conference room. The room was taken up by a large conference table that had twelve chairs around it. The legal representative sat at the front of the table and asked Sarah to take a seat. Sarah moved towards the other end of the table and sat down. Seeing this, we all moved down to be closer to Sarah.

The representative explained to Sarah the purpose of the meeting. She asked Sarah if she was an adult or child and Sarah said, “Child.” She explained to her that since she is over 18, she is now an adult. She asked Sarah again and she whispered, “Adult.”

The representative then began asking her questions: if Sarah wanted us to handle her money and her care, if we can speak to her teachers, her doctors and others on her behalf, etc. Sarah looked at us, looked down or looked around but for each answer she said, “Yes.” Sometimes she would laugh after saying yes as if she thought it was funny that the woman would even be asking her these questions.

The representative was satisfied with her answers and asked if Sarah would sign the papers making us her Power of Attorney. Sarah signed her full name in cursive (something we have worked on for years as a life skill). Two other people from the agency agreed with the representative and signed the Power of Attorney paperwork as witnesses. With that Sarah gave up her rights to us…willingly, wholeheartedly, and completely.

As we were wrapping up the meeting, Sarah decided it was the perfect time to do a spontaneous happy dance. She jumped up from her chair and swayed and flapped her arms, and wiggled her body. She threw her head back and let out a joyful giggle. Then she sat back down and looked at us like nothing happened. David and I looked at each other and just smiled.

As we walked back to our car, it hit me that our daughter walked in as a free adult, but chose for her own health and safety to be under our control for the rest of her life. Out my deep love for her, I want to protect her, care for her and want the best for her. It is an honor for me to be her Power of Attorney. It is something I don’t take lightly.

It reminds me of Exodus 21:2-6, if an Israelite was sold as a slave after six years they were set free. They could walk away free and clear of any debt. Or, they could choose to stay. They could decide that they want to serve and be under the protection and care of their master. If they choose to do this, it says in Exodus 21:6, “…then his master shall bring him to God and he shall bring him to the door or doorpost. And his master shall bore his ear through with an awl, and he shall be his slave forever.”

Sounds a bit gruesome, but this ear piercing ceremony was a public physical and permanent reminder that this servant is now a bond servant to their master. It was a voluntary decision of a lifetime commitment. They were bonded for life. It was done willingly, wholeheartedly, and completely.

When Christ died for my sins, He set me free; free from death, separation from God, fear, guilt and shame. He set me free from my bondage of sin.

Now this is what I think is a challenging thought…in many ways I, too, while set free and clear from my debt from sin, I want to serve and be under the protection and care of Jesus. I want to choose Him to be master of my life, knowing that out of His deep love for me, He wants the best for me. So, in many ways, I offer myself to be a bondservant. It is a lifetime commitment to serve the One who set me free. It is done willingly, wholeheartedly, and completely.

Like Sarah, it kind of makes me want to break out into a happy dance. ❤

“Why are you doing this to yourself? That’s got to hurt…”

Sarah’s eyes were opened wide and full of fury as she bit very hard into her arm. Sarah was 12 years old at the time and was upset about something. She came closer so her face was directly in front of mine. With eyes locked on mine she growled at me as she bit herself harder.

Knowing I needed to stop this, I used the trick I was taught at her autism therapy. I took her arm and pushed it towards her and she released her bite. Her teeth left deep impressions on her arm. With that she arched her back and screamed at the top of her lungs. She then she ran upstairs to her room and slammed the door.

I shook my head at what just happened; I longed to understand what sets her off.

I am thankful her therapist taught me this trick. I learned early on if Sarah tried to bite that this worked. Our natural tendency would be to pull away when we feel pain, but that actually makes things worse. The jaw is locked and it can do more damage. When she tried to bite me when she was younger, if I pushed my arm towards her, she had to release her jaw to adjust. This moment gave me the opportunity to break free. While I still might get a nasty bite mark, the damage is far less than if I pulled away.

I find it interesting that we tend to do this with the Lord. When we are in pain, our natural tendency is to pull away from Him. We are hurting and try to free ourselves from the pain, but sadly it makes things worse. We separate ourselves from the only source that can bring true and lasting healing.

Instead, we need to press hard into the Lord, especially when we are in pain. When we dig deep into His Word and devote ourselves to prayer, we find freedom and comfort in spite of the pain. Our circumstances may not change (we might still end up with a nasty bite mark), but neither does our Lord! The more you press hard towards Him, the more you see how much He loves and cares for you.

In many ways, it’s an oxymoron, to press in to let go, but it is true and it takes faith.

It reminds me of the story of Elijah and the widow in I Kings 17. She and her son were at the brink of starvation. Elijah asks her to make him a meal with the little food she has left. I Kings 17:13 says, “Elijah said to her, “Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel says: ‘This jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land.’”

I imagine her standing at her table ready to make his bread. I think she would have had tears in her eyes and hands might just have shaken a little as she was about to pour out the little flour she had left in the jar. She had the choice, to do what he said and go out on faith, or not.  What if it wasn’t true? Elijah would eat her food and she and her son would basically eat just crumbs before starvation. This was an oxymoron; give him what little food she had and she will never run out. In our minds we think this is absurd, but to God all things are possible. This widow had the faith to push in and obey rather than pull away and keep what little she had to herself. Due to her obedience and faith, God provided many meals for her family and Elijah during the famine. Her obedience saved her family’s lives.

I want to be like this widow. When faced with tough challenges of life that I am obedient and faithful. Despite the pain, despite the desire to recoil, that I press in hard to the Lord and let it go for Him to handle. His loving hands are much stronger to hold whatever pain I am carrying.

To press in to let go…it’s an oxymoron, but it is truth that brings hope and healing.

Isaiah 55:8, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.”

 

We are overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness regarding Sarah’s ‘Night to Shine’ event! What a dramatic difference than what we received when Sarah went shopping for her dress!

Back in January a flyer came home from Sarah’s school inviting her to ‘Night to Shine’. I read the flyer to the family and asked Sarah if she wanted to go to Prom. She looked at the flyer and then went to grab her coat. I guess that meant she was in! I had to tell her it wasn’t that night but it was coming soon.

Sarah needed a dress for this event. We have a Salvation Army store by our house that has prom dresses and I thought we would try there first. We might be pleasantly surprised! Kendall wanted to come with us and so the three of us ventured out around 7pm on a Saturday night to the Salvation Army store. A Gregory Girls’ Night Out!

I told Sarah what we were doing and she was so excited. In the parking lot Sarah made a dash for the store. Thankfully, Kendall caught her by her hand.  As we walked in I did a quick scan of the store and saw that it wasn’t too busy.

“Good.” I thought. While Sarah is getting better in public and not crying as much, I still am very hesitant about taking her out. We never know if she will start to cry loudly.

We made our way to the prom dresses section and there were so many to choose from! There were short and long ones, sparkly sequins to smooth satin in all sizes and colors. We picked a few we thought might fit and Kendall wanted to help Sarah get changed in the dressing room. I stood outside the dressing room door and would return dresses that didn’t fit and went back to the racks looking for other options for her to try on.

We found the red velvet dress that Sarah did eventually choose for ‘Night to Shine’. Only $10.99! Gotta love the price! Yet, we were not quite sure if this was ‘THE’ one. Sarah still had several more dresses to try on. There was one that I thought might also be a winner. It had hot pink sequins that covered the entire bodice. It screamed Sarah! When Sarah went to try it on, it turned out to be a pant suit. Sarah thought this was hilarious.

“Funky! I look funky!” Sarah squealed.

Not sure where she heard that word before. I opened the door to see Sarah spreading her legs apart and she bent down to show that it was a pant suit.

“Funky!”

Kendall and I laughed and I told her to be quiet. That did it. She began to yell,

‘FUNKY!!’

Kendall put her hand over Sarah’s mouth, but again, that just fueled her more.

‘FUNKY! I LOOK FUNKY!’ she yelled louder.

I told Kendall to get her changed and told Sarah once more to be quiet.

Kendall turned to me and asked what shoes Sarah would wear to Prom. Good question! She doesn’t have any nice dress shoes. I decided to look at the shoe section that was right next to the changing rooms.

‘Wouldn’t it be great if I could find sparkly shoes for Sarah?’ I thought as I looked on the shelves.

“Funky!” was continued to be yelled with a hysterical laugh as Sarah couldn’t contain her excitement. The dressing rooms had no ceilings and her yell and giggle echoed throughout the store.

It continued to get louder and I went back once again to tell her to be quiet.

Then it happened.

“WILL YOU SHUT HER UP? MY WORD! SHE IS RUINING MY SHOPPING EXPERIENCE!”

I looked over to see a woman hissing at me in disgust. I just barely saw her head and it seemed to be that she was hiding behind the rack of clothes.

“I am so sorry! She has severe autism.”  I apologized.

“WELL I DIDN’T KNOW! GOOD GRIEF! SHE IS SO LOUD!” Her tone was sarcastic and unkind.

I said it again apologetically, “I’m so sorry! She has severe autism.” My face became red as I felt horrible. I felt the stares of people shopping around me.

Then the woman went at me again in her accusing voice, “I SAID I DIDN’T KNOW! AND WHAT KIND OF MOTHER LEAVES HER CHILD UNATTENDED? SHAME ON YOU FOR LEAVING HER ALONE! HERE YOU ARE LOOKING AT SHOES WHEN YOU SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF YOUR KID!”

Then I heard her speaking to whomever she was with about how terrible I am and how I can’t control my child.

I didn’t say a word back to the woman. It was pointless. I knocked on the door and told Kendall to please hurry. Tears flooded my eyes and I put my head down as I stood outside the dressing room door.

“Lord, I can’t even take her to the Salvation Army store.” Tears came down my face and I did my best to stay composed.

The door slowly opened and Kendall’s eyes met mine. My eyes were filled with tears and hers were white with anger!

“Where is she?” Kendall looked out the door to get a view of the store. She opened the door more and Sarah stood there head down and quiet.

“Mom, how could she say that?”

I turned around to see that the woman was now close enough to see that Kendall was in the room with Sarah and with that she walked away.

“Kendall, do you think this is the first time someone has yelled at me about Sarah? It’s not the first, nor will it be the last.”

Kendall’s hands were shaking.

“I am so MAD!!! This is a special day for Sarah and how could she say something like that? Where is she?!”

“Kendall, no, let’s just go. It won’t solve anything. Are you almost done? I just want to go home.” I just wanted this night to end. I could not leave the store fast enough.

“We need to try on two more dresses.”

“Please hurry. I want to go home.”  I couldn’t stop the tears and the stares from the few people in the store were falling heavily on me.

We decided on the red velvet dress and Kendall insisted that Sarah carry it out.

“This is her day and she is carrying her dress!”

As we walked to the cashier, the stares followed us. Kendall held her head up high and confidently marched to the cashier. I walked quietly trying not to make eye contact.

I am proud of Kendall for being so protective of Sarah. I could not ask for a better sister for her! God has given me a girl with such spunk and I love how she is ready to defend the defenseless.

To be honest, I have struggled with this situation and poured my heart out to God about it. I asked the Lord if I should have said something, but I truly think confronting this woman would not have changed anything. There are times I have said something, but I could tell this woman’s heart was hard as stone and it would have been pointless. This woman had no clue what our lives are like and how important this day was to us. If she lived my life for one day, she would be laughing at Sarah saying ‘Funky’, too, and joining us in her joy. Instead, I find myself chuckling that Sarah single handedly ‘ruined her shopping experience’ at the local Salvation Army store on a Saturday night. Wow.

This morning in my quiet time, I read about King Hezekiah who was being threatened by the King of Assyria (2 Kings 19). This king was ruthless and was conquering kingdoms left and right and now found himself on King Hezekiah’s door. Judah was outnumbered by a massive war machine. The Assyrian king taunted Hezekiah and mocked him for trusting in God. Hezekiah did not reply back. Instead, he went to the temple and spread the letter that the king of Assyria sent before the Lord and he prayed. The prophet Isaiah came to Hezekiah and told him the Lord will fight the battle. And He did! An angel went out and wiped out 185,000 of the army. The army fled back home without Judah even lifting a sword.

What a great example of how God truly is the Defender of the defenseless! Now there are times in the Bible the Lord tells Israel to fight, but no matter what, He was with them. I know, too, He is with me no matter what battles I face.

No, this was not the first time I have had someone make comments to me about Sarah, telling me to make her be quiet or behave, and it certainly won’t be the last. (Trust me, if I could make her, I would.) There are times it is best to be quiet and there are times the Lord tells me to speak up. And when those times to speak up come….I know I will not be alone for not only is God with me, but also He gave me a feisty daughter who is ready to stand in Sarah’s defense!

We just got back from Night to Shine 2018 and my heart is BURSTING! To think that these people put so much time and effort (in the middle of the biggest snow storm of the year) so my girl could have a prom, is amazing! This was such a well organized event and everyone was so kind to Sarah. She truly was the Queen of the Prom!

Sarah has been so excited for this day. All week we have been talking about it. She has seen her dress hung up in the closet and more than once she has tried to put it on. This morning I asked Sarah what was happening today and she yelled, “I’m going to PROM!!!!”

Sarah spent the day getting ready with me trimming her hair, painting her nails and doing other girly things.  She loved every moment of it. Some of Kendall’s school friends braved the 9” of snow to come to our house for pictures and Sarah posed and strutted across the house for them.

When we arrived at the church we were overwhelmed by the excitement in the air. These people were thrilled to be hosting this event! The church building was actually a renovated bowling alley. They even had few bowling lanes still there if Sarah wanted to play. After we checked in, Sarah received a corsage (we bought her one, too, but she liked the pink one they gave her) and then she had her makeup professionally done. When the makeup artist asked me if she should put mascara on Sarah, Sarah yelled, “YES!” She is a woman who knows her mind!

Sarah had her picture professionally taken and then she walked down the red carpet. She waved to people as she walked down. She was ADORABLE!! I was choked up seeing everyone cheer her on. They cheered, they clapped, and they shouted her name. They made her feel like she was the most important person there. Her face was PRICELESS!

Mrs. Emily was assigned to be Sarah’s aide tonight. She was the most tenderhearted woman! We could not have asked for a better aide! She and Sarah hit it off and Sarah had so much fun with her. Mrs. Emily said Sarah had 3 bags of chips, 2 cupcakes, 3 cans of Sprite and a plate full of Chick-Fil-A and mac and cheese.

For us parents, we also received the royal treatment. We had Jet’s pizza and a chocolate fountain dessert table. We had raffles of gift cards to restaurants and movies. (We didn’t win.) We also had gift bags of lotion and $5 Tim Horton gift cards. (How do these people know me?!?!)

Sarah danced with her aide and loved every moment of her night. Mrs. Emily, Sarah and I also took a limo ride around the parking lot a few times. Sarah felt like a movie star!

At the end of Prom, Tim Tebow spoke via video about how they were all kings and queens of the prom and much more than that, how much our Heavenly Father loves them. They are royalty in His eyes. Sarah received her crown and the look of pure joy filled her face. She beamed with pride!

There were so many things for Sarah to do. She went to the photo booth for candid photos and she loved to hang out at the Karaoke station. Sarah got up on stage, but didn’t want to sing any song in particular. She just kept saying, “Everybody stand up! Everybody stand up!” When I looked behind me, everyone stood up and cheered for Sarah. Once again, I got choked up that these people made her day by doing what she said. Sarah smiled and her eyes danced as she came down from the stage.

With that, she grabbed one more cupcake, but was too full to eat it. When we left they gave Sarah a grab bag. Inside was the professional photo, a Night to Shine picture frame and a Night to Shine cup.

What a magical night! I am in such awe of Life Bridge Church and Northline Church for putting on this amazing night for Sarah! Instead of Autism not allowing her to experience Prom, she was the star! They showed Christ’s love to our special needs children and gave us a glimpse of how He sees them…loved beyond measure.

“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” I John 4:11

I woke up in a state of panic. It was my body gasping for air that woke me up. I sat up as I tried to catch my breath with my heart pounding hard inside my chest. I realized where I was and I looked at the clock. It read 3:37 am. With that, I laid my head back down on my pillow. My heartbeat was still booming in my ears. I took deep breaths as I reassured myself, “It was just a dream…It was just a dream.”

Unfortunately, it was just a dream of one of the scariest moments of my life!

Sarah has done several things that have made me wake up in a state of panic as I recall them in my sleep. Once when she was a little girl I came into her room to wake her up from her nap. She wasn’t napping, instead I found her standing on the window sill of her second story bedroom window. She had opened the window and was holding onto the curtain rod as she wiggled and danced. I knew if I screamed it might startle her and she might fall out the window, so I very calmly came up to her and grabbed her from the window. I held her tight and thanked the Lord for protecting her. Needless to say, David and I put a wooden bar in the track of her window to prevent her from doing that again.

It still makes me ill just thinking of it, but that is not the scary moment that woke me up recently.

That moment was when Sarah and I were driving home from her ABA therapy appointment.  The center was about 25 minutes away from our house via expressway. We had to change expressways to get there. As I approached the overpass bridge that connected the two expressways, Sarah unbuckled from her car booster seat and proceeded to get out of it. I saw what she had done in my rearview mirror and yelled for her to stop. She was mad. She screamed and came up to me and hit me. She then did something that years later causes me to wake me up in a state of panic.

She unlocked the van door and opened it while we were going over the bridge on the expressway. (This was an older van. Newer van doors do not open when the car is in drive.)

I screamed and grabbed onto her with my one hand.

I pulled her close to me and tried to pull over. Sadly, the connection from the bridge put us in the second left lane. I moved across the lanes holding onto her all the while with the van side door wide open.  The sound of the expressway was deafening. I cried out to the Lord for protection. It was one of the scariest moments of my life!

When I pulled over I broke down in tears thinking what could have happened. I held her tightly as I wept. She was still angry and didn’t want to be held and pushed me away. Her actions made me cry all the more. I had a child who refused to let me love her even though I would do anything for her. I prayed thanking the Lord for His protection but I also told Him how weary I was with this life of Autism. I got her back into her booster seat, but it took me a while before I could drive again. I sat in my seat shaking. When I was ready to drive again I took side roads all the way home.

I told David we needed to do something to stop her from getting out of her car booster seat. Thankfully, we found a product called Angel Guard (angelguardbuynow.com). It is just a simple piece of plastic that goes over the seat belt buckle, but it prevented her from unbuckling.

Angel Guard. I love the name! I know our loving Heavenly Father has been guarding Sarah all along! While I still may wake up from time to time in a panic, I need to take this memory and give it to the Lord. He protected us and I need to find rest in Him. Psalm 62:5-8 has been a great comfort to me, especially during these times. I underlined this passage in my Bible and if that wasn’t enough, I put stars by verse 8. Psalm 62:5-8 reads, “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

I am thankful that when the memories of the scariest moments of life wake me up at night, I can pour out my heart to Him! I love the imagery of these verses: ‘rock ’, ‘fortress’, ‘not be shaken’, and ‘refuge’. I can find rest because I know I am ultimately secure in Him!

It is kind of ironic that she squealed like a pig when she saw it.

Sarah wanted a Tea Cup Piggy toy for Christmas. She really wanted it. It was a little pig toy that said over 20 phrases when you pressed the button on its back. It was housed in a cute little plastic tea cup and came with accessories to dress up your piggy. I bought one for Sarah and hid it with the other Christmas presents in my closet, but soon I found evidence that she had discovered it. The Christmas paper was unwrapped, box open and the toy was on the closet floor. I put it in another hiding spot, but she found it again. This time I hid all the presents in the basement storage room. When I came downstairs there she was jumping up and down squealing in delight, clapping her hands in glee with the piggy toy at her feet. (She also opened other presents as well.)  I told her that Tea Cup Piggy and the other gifts were for Christmas and to leave them alone.

I thought of one more place….

There is a space behind my bedroom door. When you open the door it stops at the corner of my dresser. With the door open, there is a pocket of space behind it. I put all our Christmas gifts in this spot and draped it with a bed sheet. It seemed to have worked. Each day I checked and the sheet remained unmoved.

Then one day, I found the plastic sunglasses accessory that went with the Tea Cup Piggy on the floor. I pulled back the sheet and found that Sarah once again found the toy, plus ripped open and destroyed boxes that contained gifts to siblings, nieces and nephews. I sighed. I had to once again find another spot.

Sarah did not know that I discovered her secret and I saw her walk upstairs. She carefully opened my door thinking she was going to find her secret stash.  I stood in the foyer looking up at my bedroom door and waited.

In less than two seconds later, the loudest shriek came from my room. Not a squeal, but a shriek! I raced upstairs to find Sarah frantically looking behind my door for the presents. Her eyes were wild and she was beside herself. She was not prepared for this Christmas surprise!

“Sarah, I told you the presents are for Christmas and not all of them are for you. You will get your toys at Christmas. Now go!” I pointed for her to leave my bedroom.

Sarah gave me the most exasperated looked. She screamed a high pitch scream at me and with clenched fists stomped off.

*********

The older I get the more I am humbled that Jesus, out of His great love for us, left His throne in Heaven and came down to earth. The perfection of Heaven was forgone to come to an imperfect world. An infinite God took on a form of finite man.  This great love, this salvation, this gift was for us. While it was prophesied the Messiah was coming, no one 2,000 years ago expected Jesus to come as a baby and be found in a stable in Bethlehem.  Unlike Sarah’s Tea Cup Piggy gift, He was not meant to be hidden, but for the whole world to discover. He is Emmanuel (God with us)!

Our Savior’s birth truly was the biggest and best Christmas surprise!

Merry Christmas!

“I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people.

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:1b-11

The kids were playing basketball outside and I went out onto the driveway to watch them. After a few minutes, I found myself pushed from the driveway unto the front yard. (Don’t mess with the kids when they are playing against each other!)

Under my feet the yard was filled with holes. Everywhere I looked there were these tiny holes in our grass.

“Did you aerate the yard, David?”  I asked David as he came walking outside to see the kids play.

“No, I didn’t. I think the squirrels are burying their nuts.”

I have never seen anything like it. If this is the case:

1. Word must have gotten out in the squirrel community that the Gregory yard is the place to be seen this winter.
2. If this is any indication of our winter this year, be prepared. It is going to be a very harsh winter!

Soon, though, our grass began to die. Each morning as I left for work, it seemed like the patch was getting bigger. What are those squirrels doing?

David did more investigation and found out we have grubs; HUGE grubs in our yard. You can peel our grass back up like a carpet and there they are! So gross! He spoke to a specialist and he said that the holes were from skunks and raccoons digging in our yard for a late night snack. He said the holes are the first sign we would see of what lied beneath.

What lied beneath….

Right now it is fall and I love seeing all the leaves change color. What I find interesting is that they don’t truly change. Those colors in the leaves were always there, they were just covered up by the chlorophyll. Once the chlorophyll breaks down, the colors that were underneath break forth.

Interesting thought…. Things that lie beneath are bound to break forth. Luke 6:45b says, “Whatever is in the heart overflows into speech.”  (TLB)

It can be gross like the grubs or beautiful like autumn leaves.  What a challenging thought!

It makes me think of dear Sarah. What lies in Sarah’s heart overflows into her speech. I love it when we get glimpses of a girl that loves her family, all things pink, believes Disney princesses are real, and loves to dance and sing with her whole heart. While her speech and singing are incoherent phrases at times, I know it is something that brings her joy. It is written all over her face!

While Autism affects so much of her life and her abilities, not even Autism is powerful enough to cover what lies beneath. ❤