In October, I re-blogged my birthday note to my close and dearest friend, Sarah White, who passed away on December 23, 2008 of pancreatic cancer.

It was Friday, December 19, 2008.  I had the day off from work and I was busy getting last minute Christmas shopping done.  As I drove around, this thought kept running through my mind,

“Go see Sarah.”

I thought, “I don’t want to bother her.  She could be resting and I would feel terrible if I woke her up.  Or, she could be at a doctor’s appointment.”

I prayed for her and went to the next store on my list, but she was heavy on my heart.

“Go see Sarah.”

I knew she was tired. Last time I saw her, I could tell, but she sat up and we talked and laughed together.  I didn’t want her to feel she had to entertain me.   Also, our kids were coming home from school soon.  We could only visit for a little bit.  I thought I’ll set up a time another day to stop by.

Once again, it was pressing on my heart, “Go see Sarah.”

It got to the point that the Lord’s push was greater than my resistance.  I drove straight to her house.  I didn’t even call.  I knew she loved Christmas music and I had a Christmas CD and some hand lotion I thought she might like.  If she wasn’t home, I was going to leave the items on her porch and call her later.

As I stepped out of the car, her house was quiet.  I knocked on the door and when it opened, Sarah’s mom, Cindy, was standing there.  She looked at me and with relief said,

“So, God sent you.”

I looked at her puzzled and she continued, “I have been on the phone on hold with the hospital trying to get a bed for Sarah.  I have been praying for someone to come and be with her in her room while I am downstairs on the phone.  God sent you.”

It was only 10 minutes or so that I sat and prayed with Sarah on her bed.  Her mom and then her dad arrived, saying that they got a bed and they were off to the hospital.

“God sent you….”  I left crying and desperately praying for my friend, but I thanked the Lord that He kept pushing me.  What if I hadn’t listen and rationalized why I shouldn’t have gone?  I would have missed that time with my dearest friend.  It was an honor to be the one He sent and be an answer to Cindy’s prayer.

At Christmastime, we celebrate someone else God sent; He sent His Son!

Galatians 4:4-5, “But when the time had fully come, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under law to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons.”

God sent Jesus at just the right time to redeem us.  I am so thankful God sent Jesus!  He is the answer to all our prayers and truly is the best Christmas gift ever!

David and I are so grateful for you.  Looking back over this past year, we know people are praying for our Sarah.  The Praise/Prayer Tab on the blog shows it!  Some issues we thought would never get better (her non-stop crying) are getting better!  We are so grateful!  Bless you and we wish you a wonderful Christmas as we celebrate our Savior’s birth!

“I wouldn’t wish autism on my worst enemy.”

It’s true, I have said that and I have meant it.

Yet, the Lord has allowed this in our lives.  I love the phrase, “Nothing has happened to us that hasn’t passed through His Hands first.”  The Lord in His Sovereignty allowed autism to come into our lives.  He wasn’t shocked by it.  It wasn’t like He turned His Head and said, “When did this happen to you?”   Not only has He known; but also He has walked so closely with us in the midst of it.

And I am grateful.

In fact, these are things I am grateful about autism:

• It has made my faith in the Lord from one of head knowledge to one of utter dependence. It reminds me of Job 42:5,

            “My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You.”

I knew about His grace, His strength, His mercy and His love, now I am immersed in them!

• It has given me empathy that I never had before. If you want someone to cry with you, I am your girl!  I think when your heart is so raw you truly can “mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.” (Romans 12:15)

•  It has shown me the power of prayer. We are so grateful for your prayers for us!  We feel them!

• It has shown me the kindness and generosity of others who helped us on this journey. I am so grateful for people giving so much of themselves to help us out because of their love for Christ. It truly is humbling and beautiful.

•  It has taught our kids to be compassionate. Our kids are advocates now for the underdogs and their patience and love for their sister is evident.  They adore and love her!

•  I have seen what a godly man I married. I knew David was a good man, but it is through fiery trials you see what people are made of and I am so impressed by his character, his integrity and his trust in the Lord.

• It has taught me to appreciate the good times on this journey.  I have a child who still thinks Disney princesses are real, gets so excited about Christmas presents and when Sarah belly laughs, it makes your heart sing.   There is nothing like it in the world!

No, I don’t wish this on anyone; autism has invaded our lives and changed us… and I am grateful.

When Sarah was first diagnosed with autism, I didn’t handle it well.  I was in a panic to find answers.  I desperately wanted to “fix” my daughter.  In our desperation to find answers we had Sarah undergo many tests.  One of these tests was to see where she was developmentally.

I will never forget walking into the room to go over Sarah’s results.  It was a preschool room with a half moon shaped table in the far corner.  David and I were asked to sit in the little preschool chairs at this table.  The psychologist sat on the other side in the teacher’s chair.  It was a sight to see David sitting in that little chair with his knees to his chest! 🙂  As the psychologist went over the results, she showed us a graph with many boxes.  Some boxes were filled in, but most were not.

“This is a chart to show the development growth in children.  These are foundational blocks that build upon each other…” said the psychologist.

I quickly looked over the chart and realized that Sarah had very few boxes filled in.  My heart sank.  “She is that far behind?”  I wondered.  My mind raced as I tried to figure out what this chart meant.  As the psychologist continued about Sarah’s results, I couldn’t handle it any longer and I blurted out.

“But will she learn to talk again?”

I can’t believe I interrupted her!  David, who was studying the chart intently, looked up at me startled.  It was so rude of me, but I thought I was about to lose it.  David sensing this reached over and put his hand on my knee.

The psychologist stopped and looked at me and took a breath.  I think she realized she better skip ahead and just let me know.

“Here,”   She took her pen and drew a line across the chart. “This is when verbal language usually appears.”

I gasped.  The line was far above any of the boxes filled.  Developmentally, Sarah at age 3 wasn’t even close!

“There are many factors that go into verbal language.  For example, typically, children need to be able to recognize 50 items receptively before verbal words are spoken.  Once these boxes, these building blocks, below this line on the graph are filled in, language will come.  Our job here is to help you systematically fill in these holes.”

I looked at David; we knew we had our work cut out for us, but I also felt that the Lord had directed us to a place that gave us a plan.

I think back about that chart.  I think about how it can relate to my own spiritual walk; how it is important to have firm foundation and to build up from that.  If I want to be spiritually at some level, then I better have firmed up and filled in “the foundational building blocks” below!

Thankfully, the Lord knows where “my holes” are at.  Even better, Jesus is with me to help me by teaching and equipping me as we fill them in.  He wants me to have a firm foundation to be ready for what lies ahead.   There are days when I feel we have our work cut out for us, but I am so grateful He directs me and He has a perfect plan!

“…a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed.” Isaiah 28:16

Best. Summer. Ever.  This is crazy when I think back over it.  I had the worst shower conditions:  the backed up toilet at the Rescue Mission that overflowed the moment you turned the shower on or having only one shower for 28 people (that was a logistical feat!).  Or, sleeping on a cot for 9 nights, 5 of them sleeping in a non-air conditioned room that was easily over 90 degrees (it was like a steam facial every night!), but it was wonderful to serve the Lord on two mission trips!  In August, David was in charge of an elementary school remodel in Detroit with a Christian Humanitarian ministry.  I came on Monday of that week to help him prepare and found myself spending the rest of the week working alongside many, many people in our community.

This summer was tiring, but it was the best experience!

As you know, last March I left a job that was perfect for allowing me to work around Sarah’s needs.  I walked away not quite sure what the Lord had in store for us.  Financially it did not make sense.  I wasn’t sure if I would ever go back to the work world because of Sarah’s needs and because I wanted to be more open to serving the Lord in ministry.

Pastor Todd Mullins once said, “Don’t put a period, where God has put a comma.”

I was ready to put a period on this part of my life, but God in His sovereignty made it a comma.  The first day of school for Sarah (she started later than the others) I started a new job as the Office Manager/Administrative Assistant to the Lead Pastor at a local church. It is the best of both worlds!  I am getting paid to minister to people!  How great is that?!?  When I opened up the offer letter I gasped.  All of my so called obstacles, the hurdles I thought would make me “unemployable”, the Lord wiped away. They have been so flexible with me regarding Sarah’s needs.  Sarah has various days off and they were fine with me taking them off.  I need to be home in time for her bus in the afternoons; not a problem with them.

It has almost been a month at my new job.  I am so happy!  I think I need to calm down my excitement because I catch myself talking very fast (more than usual!) and I can’t wipe the smile off my face. 🙂

I am thankful for my “comma” summer.  It was a God given pause that gave me great memories with my family, but I look forward to seeing what He has in store in this next chapter of my life.

Thank you for your faithful prayers for Sarah and for us!

1 Corinthians 2:9, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love Him.”

It was no big deal, really.  In fact, I had forgotten all about it.

One day last month we had a downpour of rain like no other.  It came down with such force that soon a river flowed where our street once was.  No one would want to be driving out in this weather, so it was a surprise when I heard a quick rap on the door.

It was a woman who explained that the main road was flooded so she cut down our street only to find her car almost submerged on ours.  She had pulled into our driveway and was waiting for the storm to pass.  She then asked if she could use our restroom, so I let her and her daughter come inside.  I talked to them for a little bit, but they soon returned to their car and when our storm drains finally caught up expelling the rainwater, they were back on the road again.

“Who was that?  Did you know them?”  Jim asked.

“No, just met them now!   They are just people who live in our city who got caught in the rain.”

I brushed it off and went on with my day.  Yesterday in the mail I received a letter from this mom and daughter thanking me for that day.  She started the note, “I bet you thought you would never hear from me again, but I wanted to thank you…”  I was surprised because to me it was no big deal, but it meant something to her.  (I was just thankful my bathroom was presentable! 🙂 )

How many times on this autism journey, what was “no big deal” for someone meant the world to us!  I wish I could tell you what an encouraging word, a hug, a cup of coffee, helping us transport our other kids to events, someone telling me that they are praying for us, means to us!   That encouraging note someone wrote to me, I still have it and have read it over and over again.  That hug?  I see them as God’s reminder that He has given us such wonderful friends who support and love us in the good times and bad.  That coffee?  Some days I am functioning with only a few hours of sleep because of Sarah and that coffee was the kindest thing someone could do.  Small acts, “I was driving my kids to the event anyway…” are priceless and do not go unnoticed by the Lord or by us!  Bless you and thank you for faithful prayers!

Thank you…your “no big deal” truly means a lot!

Mark 9:41, “I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in My name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.”

By the way, I am keeping my bathroom clean just in case of another storm! 🙂

Last spring, my mom and I came to Sarah’s school to see her be a cheerleader at the last basketball game of the year.  Unfortunately, Sarah did not want to participate and screamed and cried the entire time.  I felt bad for her that she wasn’t able to enjoy the festivities but my eyes were drawn to the court and I was transfixed to what I witnessed.

The city’s public high school varsity basketball team was our opponent for this last game.  It was a big game.   The stands were packed with parents from both teams.  Our cheerleaders were lined up on one side of the court, the public high school varsity cheerleaders were on the other.  Then the game started and it quickly became apparent what was happening and my heart melted.

The varsity players with all their talent showed such kindness to our autistic teens.  They did not play with full intensity, but instead made it possible for our team to compete.  One time our player stole the ball from their point guard and ran down the court with it…literally.  In his excitement, he forgot to dribble the ball!  The players on this varsity team could have easily dunked the ball or shot 3 pointers over and over again to drive up the score (and a few times they did make an amazing dunk or a far out 3 point shot, much to our kids’ delight), but mostly they came to play with the mindset of letting our players shine.

During the game my mom leaned over and jokingly whispered, “Wow, this varsity team isn’t very good!”

I laughed but I could not help the tears welling up in my eyes as I watched the game.  What these young men were good at was making our kids feel like superstars.  These 16-18 year old young men got it.  In a day and age where selfishness is the norm, these high school students learned an important life lesson.  It wasn’t about competition, but compassion.  It wasn’t about trying to impress the crowd with their amazing ability, but making a lasting impression on kids who looked up to them.  It was about giving joy to others and seeking nothing in return.  I will never forget the look of pure happiness on our kids’ faces when they received high fives from these players, their heroes, when they scored a basket.

All throughout the game both cheerleaders were yelling out their cheers.  When our autistic kids scored a basket, I saw the other team’s varsity cheerleaders wildly celebrate.  Curious, I then listened to them cheer and realized they were cheering “Go Broncos!” in all their cheers.

That isn’t their school’s mascot…it’s ours.

I have been told that in all of these years of this big match up between our two schools, the varsity team has yet to win a game against us.  I find that hard to believe because they are all winners to me!

Ephesians 4:32a, “Be kind and compassionate to one another.”

“I have to admit, the girl’s got talent!”

Sarah, age 4 at the time, had stripped off her clothes…again.  The only problem with this is that she had also pooped in her diaper.  She would then take her poopy diaper and smear the contents all over herself, her bed, her toys, and the walls.  Hardest part is she would do it on purpose.  As an act of defiance or a sensory issue, the moment she went to take her nap, she would poop, strip and begin smearing it everywhere.  We tried countless ways to stop her, cut off the feet to her footed pajamas and have her wear it backwards.  She got out of it.  We then safety pinned the zipper to the backward pajamas; piece of cake for her to take off.  We then duct taped (our answer to anything!) the pinned zipper on the backward pajamas, but that only gave us a few weeks before she figured how to maneuver out of it.  Our little Houdini took on any challenge we gave her and beat us.  I was going head to head with an autistic 4 year old and getting beat each time!

One day, once again, I opened the door to the stench.  I gagged as I saw her covered in her own feces.  The smell was putrid and vile.  Her poop was everywhere: in her hair, face and body.  I had to strip her down trying not to get it on anything else and scrub her clean.  My clean-up job wasn’t over just yet.  I then had to disinfect the bathtub, her room, throw out items in her room that could not be salvage and do yet another load of wash.  Nap time, the time when the kids rested and I could get a moment of peace was gone.

I was angry.  I was exhausted.  I had reached my limit.

I slumped down at the dining room table feeling totally defeated with tears streaming down my face.  I put my head on the table and whispered, “Lord, I need a break from this!  I truly don’t know how much more I can take!  I know You are always with me, but right now I feel so alone. Remind me that You are here!!”

With this feeling of loneliness, I reminded myself of Isaiah 49:15-16 and read it out loud:

“I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of My Hands.”

I needed that!!  I imaged myself crawling into the lap of my loving Heavenly Father and asking Him to show me where my name was; to let me touch and feel my name in His Hand.  This thought brought such comfort for I was reminded I was never alone, but I was always on His mind and in His Hand all along!

I was telling my friend, Debbie, about this verse back when this happened and how it encouraged me on that really low day.  A few weeks later she gave me a drawing of open hands with this verse on it.  She wrote Sarah’s name on the palm of one of the hands and framed it.  I love and treasure it!!  It sits on my window sill as a constant reminder that Sarah’s name is on His palm, too!  He is ever mindful of my girl!  What a blessing to know!

Maybe you, too, are feeling alone and forgotten.  Or, you are not quite sure how much more you can take in life and have reached your limit.  What a reassurance and comfort to know as believers that our Lord is ever mindful of us and has our name in the palm of His Hand!  He has not forgotten you!!

Thank you for remembering Sarah in your prayers!  What a precious gift!

 

***(We are very grateful that someone bought us a jumpsuit specially designed for children stripping out of their clothes about the time this story happened.  There is a website for this kind of thing; who knew?!?!   It was quite the contraption with a zipper in the back covered by a flap held secure with a snap.  That combination worked for our little Houdini!  Thankfully she no longer smears at age 14.)

A year ago we started this blog asking for prayer for Sarah.  We truly were at an all time low and not sure what to do.  We asked for prayer and it has been AMAZING!!!  Thank you!!  Seeing our Prayer and Praises this month (from what it was a year ago), it brings me to tears!  Let me say: THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER!!  We are so grateful to you!!  You have been so supportive of this blog, our journey and we know you are praying!!

Thank you for letting me share what is on my heart and what the Lord is teaching me on this journey!  Bless you for reading this blog! 🙂 Here is Part III (and the last one-promise!) of John 9.

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As you know I have been working through John 9 about the blind man healed by Jesus and how his life was a work of God displayed.  People wondered if it was him or his parents who sinned, therefore he lived his life with a sense of condemnation.  When his parents were questioned by the Pharisees about his healing they were fearful they would be thrown out of the synagogue and they deserted him and left him to defend himself.  The healed blind man stood alone in front of the Pharisees and what his parents feared happened. The healed blind man was thrown out of the synagogue, excommunicated and rejected.

This poor man!  His entire life he felt nothing but shame and ridicule.  Even when he was healed, he still was not accepted.  His community, even his own parents, still rejected him.  His best day, the day he had been praying for all his life but never truly believe could happen, turned out to be a day of heartbreak.  A major high followed by a gut wrenching low. Once again, he was shunned and alone.  This is why I love John 9:35-37:

“Jesus heard that they had thrown him out (of the synagogue), and when He found him,

He said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?”

“Who is He sir?” the man asked. “Tell me so that I might believe in Him.”

“Jesus said, “You have now seen Him, in fact, He is the One speaking with you.”

Then the man said, “Lord, I believe,” and he worshiped Him.”

It comforts me that when Jesus heard of this injustice, He acted.  He didn’t shake His head in disgust when He heard that the Pharisees did this and then go along with His day unmoved and unchanged. He went out searching for this man.  Jesus, our Lord, responded and reacted to go after the brokenhearted. I imagine our Lord weaving through the crowd trying to maneuver His way in order to reach this man.  He pursued him and when He found him, gave that man a purpose and a place to belong.

The same Christ that went searching for that man seeks the brokenhearted still.  I am thankful that when we feel heartbroken, shame, ridicule, rejection, or confusion, we have a Savior that doesn’t shake His Head and say, “What a shame!  Oh, that poor person!”  No, He acts!  In His compassion, our Lord pursues us and when we allow Him, He removes all that baggage that holds us down and restores us.   It truly is a work of God displayed for all to see!

Pursued by Christ!  What a picture of love and mercy!

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 

The Ohio Turnpike: the jewel of Ohio!  Smooth roads and service stations that have clean restrooms, Starbucks and Cinnabon stores; truly divine!  With Jack’s lacrosse tournament this past weekend in Ohio, it was the best $2.75 I spent to drive on the turnpike!  We didn’t even have to use the restroom on the way home, but we stopped anyway. (I wanted to get my money’s worth!)  I think I could live at one of those service stations and be quite content!

What a difference from last year’s vacation when I struggle with contentment!

David has always wanted to take the kids to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to show them the majestic beauty of the Picture Rocks that he remembered from his childhood visit there.  We found a house that we thought was a good midpoint for our various day trips; Picture Rocks, Tahquamenon Falls, Soo Locks, etc., but also seemed isolated enough that Sarah’s crying would not bother the neighbors.  As we prepared to leave, though, we wondered how Sarah could handle the long drive up north.

“If she cries just driving around town, how is she going to handle 6 hours in the truck?”

She wouldn’t.  She couldn’t.

We debated on whether to cancel the vacation or have either David or myself stay home with her.  When we discussed these options with the other kids, the look of disappointment was evident.

David said, “The kids are going to resent her if we don’t go.  They make a lot of sacrifices because of Sarah and this would be very hard on them as they’ve been looking forward to this trip.”

Thankfully, amazingly, sacrificially, my parents offered to watch Sarah so we could go on this vacation.  While it was extremely generous of them, I felt incredibly guilty.

“What kind of mother leaves her child so she can go on vacation?!?”

This wasn’t a work related trip.  This wasn’t an anniversary trip with David.  This was a family trip and I was contemplating leaving a part of my family at home!  What mother leaves her child so she can have fun?   Is it fair to leave my parents to take care of her knowing that she doesn’t always sleep through the night, wets her diapers (or worse), and cries all day with no relief?  I cried, wrestled with this and prayed for wisdom and in the end we decided that Sarah would be happiest at home while we went on the vacation.  She loves my parents and would enjoy having one on one time with them.

As we drove up north, my mother’s heart strings pulled on me for leaving Sarah, but I saw a different side of my other kids.  They were relaxed.  I never realized how Sarah’s crying affected them.  In many ways, they seemed relieved as they laughed and talked.  At one point on the trip I sat in the back seat and had one child asleep on my shoulder and the other one laced her arm through mine as she was telling me what was going on in her life.  David looked at me in the rear view mirror and smiled.  I have spent so much time and energy pouring into Sarah; I didn’t realize how much my other kids needed their mom and her full attention.  I felt the Lord reminding me He has given me 3 other children that still need their mom.  In a few years Jim will be off to college, then the others will soon follow and I need to treasure these moments with them.

We did things that we could never have done if Sarah was with us.  We played miniature golf, went on a 2 hour boat ride to see the Picture Rocks, went out and sat down to eat in a restaurant and saw a movie.  There was no way in a million years Sarah could have handled any one of those things! David teased that we spent more money than we planned because we could do so many things we normally couldn’t do!

I thanked the Lord over and over again during that trip that He gave us this time together.  I truly felt like Mary in Luke 2:19:

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

When we came home everyone was glad to see Sarah again.  We missed her, but this break from her helped us come back refreshed and renewed.  My mom said that Sarah was fine and whether good or bad, didn’t seem to be affected that we were gone.

We are making vacation plans again for this summer and bless my amazing parents for their willingness to watch Sarah again.   My mom said it something they can do to help and give us a reprieve. What a precious gift!  I am so deeply grateful for my parents!

I have a feeling I am going to be treasuring and pondering a lot in my heart this summer for all of God’s goodness to us!  Thank you for your prayers!!

**The first background of Sarah’s prayer blog is a picture of Iroquois Island that David took with his phone from the house we stayed at in the U.P.  The newest background is from our second trip to the U.P.