I love seeing photos of my family and friends taken by professional photographers. My favorite family photos are the ones taken in autumn with the changing colors of the leaves as the picture perfect backdrop. Truly beautiful!

It reminds me of a photo shoot we had at Sarah’s Autism therapy center when she was five years old. The Center hired a professional photographer to take photos of our families. This photographer was amazing! Children with Autism do not always cooperate, but she was patient, kind and came prepared. She gave me the proofs of the photo shoot and I treasure them because they reflect what our lives were like at that time.

These are scans of the proofs so the quality is not what I would like, but it will give you the idea.

I call this one ‘Mesmerized’:

Photo credit: Sherry Kruzman Photography

The photographer had a plastic gun that when she pushed a button on it, bubbles would float out of the nozzle. She used it to gain the children’s attention and to get them to look at the camera. My children acted like they had never seen a bubble before. I was standing next to her, waving my arms and saying, “Smile! C’mon! Look at the camera! Over here!!” Nothing; my children were totally mesmerized by dollar store bubbles.

I call this photo “Nitpicking”:

Photo credit: Sherry Kruzman Photography

Why look at the camera when you can focus on your brother’s big toe?

This one, one of my personal favorites, is called “Rockstar”:

Photo credit: Sherry Kruzman Photography

I have no idea what song was in Sarah’s mind at the time, but she was rocking out to her own beat.

You go, girl!

(I love that her siblings do not seem affected by Sarah’s personal dance party.)

This photo I call simply, “I give up”:

Photo credit: Sherry Kruzman Photography

There are times when I compare my mothering of Sarah to the titles of my kids’ photo shoot.  “Am I doing enough? Am I enough for her?”  If I become mesmerized in my mind on all the things I am not doing, I will lose focus on what God is calling for me to do today. I can nitpick at all my faults and tell myself I am no “rock star”, but then I will lose sight of how He has been my continued strength in my weakness. He created Sarah and He created me to be her mom. I might want to give up, but He reminds me how far we have come. (This blog has been such a wonderful reminder and encouragement of His continued faithfulness!) So with a deep breath and a proper perspective of who I am in Christ, I reach out for His Hand as He continues to lead me down this road.

This life is not picture perfect, much like this photo shoot, but I treasure it!

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:10

 

“The Winner”:

Photo credit: Sherry Kruzman Photography

I love studying history. I get that love from my Dad who taught history and US government for over 30 years.  There are some moments in history, though, that make me physically ill. One of those times was hearing about the Nazi program called ‘T-4’ that claimed over 200,000 innocent lives. Special needs children and adults that were deemed ‘useless’ to the Nazi society were murdered via gas chamber, lethal injection or most cruelly, starvation. It was believed that this program was the training ground of the Nazi’s ‘Final Solution’ plan. On the United States Holocaust Memorial Website (www.ushmm.org) there is a photograph of doctors around a person in one of these ‘T-4’ institutions with the caption that translates “Life only as a burden” as the sick propaganda and ‘justification’ of their evil act.

Viewing this time in history with the fresh eyes of having Sarah makes my stomach drop. My heart aches for these families that lost their loved ones because they were viewed as unworthy of life. I wonder how many mothers mourned for their special needs child for the rest of their lives.

This past Sunday was ‘Sanctity of Life’ Sunday. Our church bulletin had the title “Celebrating Sanctity of Human Life: EVERY LIFE is precious.” My thoughts immediately went to Sarah and that her life is just as precious as anyone else’s. It is just different than the norm.

Many churches on ‘Sanctity of Life’ Sunday, quote Psalm 139:13-16 to describe how our God made us. Jerry Bridges in his book, Trusting God Even When It Hurts, says Psalm 139:13-16 needs to be read as one thought. He paraphrases it:

“God created our inmost being and fashioned us in our mother’s womb so that we might be equipped to fulfill the plan that He set out for us even before we were born. Who you are is not a biological accident. What you are is not a circumstantial accident. God planned both for you.” (pg. 166)

Sarah is not a biological or circumstantial accident. God has a plan for her life and while it looks different than other lives and has more challenges, it is just as precious.

Sarah brings us such delight. Last week, Kendall was teaching Sarah the multiplication table of 7 x 3 just for fun. Over and over again Kendall sang a tune that ‘7 x3 is 21’ to Sarah. She then said, “Okay, Sarah, what is 7 x 3?” and began to sing her song of ‘7 x 3 is…..’ and waited to see if Sarah would answer. Sarah was working on a puzzle at the time and with a sparkle in her eye looked at Kendall and then back down at her puzzle and sang back to her ‘22’. Kendall and I both started to roar in laughter. Sarah looked up and had this smile on her face that she knew she was being silly.

I thank the Lord for Sarah. She has enriched our lives for the better. I am thankful that our society has schooling and therapy options for her and other special needs people. I am thankful that people have a passion for teaching special needs individuals and have made it their career to teach, help and improve the quality of life for those with special needs.

Every life is precious. I couldn’t agree more!

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16

A few years ago I went to the Amazon website and saw that I had 334 items in my ‘cart’.

What?!

I clicked my computer mouse over the image of the grocery cart in the far right corner to see how I could possibly have that many items.  As I began to read all that was in my cart, I laughed.

Scroll after scroll, page after page, I saw a certain theme and knew who did it. It was all things Barbie, My Little Pony and even a pink Power Wheels electric car!

“Oh I see Sarah really wanted the Holiday Barbie. She has 3 of that doll in the cart.” I said laughing to Kendall as we viewed Sarah’s wish list.

I deleted everything in the cart and was very thankful that I do not store my credit card on my account. I was telling my friend and fellow mom on this Autism journey what Sarah did and she shared with me her story.

Her son, Jonathan, is a friend of Sarah’s at her school and he, too, saw a few things on Amazon that he liked. Jonathan clicked away and then found my friend’s credit card to finalize his purchases. He said nothing to his mom about it but was very excited when the deliveries began to come to the door.

She knew something was up based on Jonathan’s reaction.

As she opened one of the boxes she saw the packing list she knew what Jonathan had done. When she began to pull the items out of the box, all of them were individually gift wrapped! After all, in Jonathan’s mind they were gifts to himself!

His birthday was coming up so my friend gave him some of the items for his birthday and saved the rest for Christmas–after she told him to never do that again!

At Christmastime, I look back at this past year and am so thankful for the family and friends that have prayed so faithfully for Sarah. I am humbled and in awe of the power of prayer in her life! While she still has some issues and struggles, she is doing so much better!

It is also during this time I think of the best gift that I and the entire world has ever received was not gift wrapped in wrapping paper and a bow, but rather was wrapped in swaddling clothes and found lying in a manger. Jesus, our Savior and the promise of God’s redemptive story, is the best gift! When I think about how I am ‘making it’ on this Autism journey it is because Jesus is my source of hope, joy and peace.

Hope, joy and peace; the very things we hear around Christmastime because they reflect the One we celebrate!

Merry Christmas!

“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” Luke 2:11-12

“Nooooooooo!” The cry of anguish from my youngest filled the room. His face and body slumped over in complete heartbreak.  The smell of melted plastic filled the air as a black lump of molten mess dripped from the oven racks.

“Oh, Jill, I feel just awful. What a pitiful sight!” my mom said over the phone.

Several years ago David had a conference in Florida and my parents (bless them!!) encouraged me to go with him. At this point, Sarah was crying non-stop for six months straight. Little did we know at the time we would have two more years of her constant crying before she stopped. Looking back, this period of time was the hardest we have faced on this Autism journey and why we started this blog asking for prayer. We were raw and exhausted.

While I needed this time away, I missed my kids and looked forward to the nightly phone call.

“Jill, Sarah keeps eating all the Halloween candy!” My mom said to me one night. “I put it on top of the refrigerator; she pulled a chair up and climbed up there. I put it on top of the kitchen cabinets and she was pulling herself up onto the counter to reach up. I thought I found the perfect spot, though, the oven. I didn’t think she would look there!”

I agreed! I wish I thought of that spot for other things that she got into.

“Unfortunately, I forgot about it.” My mom continued, “I preheated the oven for dinner and soon the kitchen was filled with black smoke and the smell of plastic. The melted candy oozed all over the racks and unto the oven floor. What a mess! Jack was right behind me and was so distraught. I felt so bad that I sent Pop-Pop out and he bought them more candy. The look on your son’s face was awful. He was so crushed.”

Now we joke about that awful Halloween candy fiasco, but have you ever had a hard blow in your life that left you feeling crushed and heartbroken? One moment life is going along and the next instant you feel like your life is like my kids’ candy, a molten blob of toxic mess?

I think that is why I relate to Hannah in the Bible. We read in I Samuel 1 that Hannah was heartbroken from being barren. Her story begins during the time that the Israelites were most likely celebrating the Feast of Tabernacles. This Feast celebrated God’s care for His people, as a remembrance of care in the desert and for the year’s crops.¹ Everyone was in a festive mood except Hannah. Have you ever been at a party, but you were just too heartbroken to participate and wish you could go home? Me, too.

It didn’t help that her rival lived in the same house and gave her no relief. What a terrible environment to be in; to have your pain mocked daily in front of you. I love that her husband, trying to console her, gave her the best food (people have been comfort/stress eating even back then!), but Hannah was too upset to eat.

Distraught. Broken. Weary.

What Hannah does next is what I need to do during these times.

I Samuel 1 says that once the Feast was over, Hannah couldn’t get to the Temple fast enough to pour out her heart (verse 9). Her mouth moved so fast and words barely were spoken as she dumped out her anger, frustration, bitterness and misery before the Lord (verse 12).

“I was pouring out my soul to the Lord…I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”  I Samuel 1:15-16.

She took all of her baggage to the One who could do something about it!

What a great example! I am thankful that when life leaves me feeling crushed, heartbroken and disappointed, I can run to the Father and pour out my heart to Him. He is still the only One that can do something about it!

There are times that I am like Hannah, too, when my soul is so heavy that words don’t even come forth. I am at a loss, just that I am hurting and I am seeking relief. I am thankful my Father knows my heart and that the Holy Spirit will pray on my behalf when I just can’t. I love that!

Sometimes life can leave you crushed, just like Jack’s reaction to the ‘molten blob of toxic mess’ of Halloween candy. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is always with me, praying for me, renewing my strength, and gives me other blessings to encourage and remind me that I am His. It is such a comfort to my heart, especially when there are no words.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:26

¹  Commentary from NIV Study Bible, page 372, Zondervan 1995

When people look at me and snicker, I have come to realize that it is never a good sign. After the 5^th or 6^th parent I passed looked at me and my kids and snickered at us, I thought I better turn around to see if there was a reason. Sarah didn’t let me down!

We were late for school. Not a bit late, not a few minutes late, we were ‘Get shoes on, I’m in the car and I’m leaving’ late. I parked the car on the street just across from the school and I was quickly trying to shoo the kids towards our elementary school. I heard the first bell ring across the parking lot and I knew we only had a few minutes before the late bell rang.

“C’mon!!” I ran ahead to catch up to the crossing guard standing in the intersection so we could make it across while he held back traffic.

That’s when the parents started to snicker as they walked back to their cars after dropping off their kids.  I turned around all the while motioning to my kids to hurry up as they walked through the intersection and I got my glimpse of Sarah. I told Sarah to put shoes on.  I just didn’t specify which shoes. Sarah was wearing David’s size 13 tennis shoes and was trying to plod her way to school. It was a sight! She tried with all her might to keep them on but she looked like a clown.

“Oh Sarah….” I shook my head and laughed at the sight. Needless to say, Sarah was late for school as we had to return home for her shoes.

Let’s face it; those were big shoes to fill!

Have you ever been in a position that you felt inadequate? Whether you are facing ‘big shoes to fill’ or just feeling like everyone has their act together but you. You look at others and wish ‘if only I was more like that’ or ‘why can’t I have my life together like that person?’ and so on.

It reminds me of a story:

“Rachel was not satisfied with the frame God built for her. She was sure her physical and emotional disabilities, her lack of abilities, were a cross she had to bear. She wished she could choose another frame.

One night as she slept, she dreamt she was lead to a place where many frames lay, frames of all sizes and shapes. She discovered a beautiful frame, inlaid with jewels and gold. “Oh, this one will be perfect for me,” she cried. So Rachel hung the heavy jeweled frame over her body. The gold and jewels were beautiful but far too heavy for her, and she collapsed beneath the weight of it.

Next, Rachel found a lovely frame with delicate flowers entwined around its sculpted form. This was surely the one to fit her perfectly. Hurriedly she lifted it, but beneath the flowers were piercing thorns that tore her flesh.

Wasn’t there a frame just right for her? She came to a plain frame. No jewels. No delicate flowers. Yet something attracted her to it. She picked it up and hung it over her, and it proved a perfect fit. As she looked at the frame encircling her, she recognized it as the one God had originally created for her!” *

God has designed you for a specific purpose and design. The more people I meet and hear their stories, the more I realize that each one of us has a journey. Some journeys I think sound so difficult, heartbreaking and challenging. I think I could never handle the weight they carry. Yet, I am sure there may be people who think having a severely autistic child would be too tough for them. (Sometimes it is for us and that is why we are so thankful for the prayer support!!)

I love how our Lord knows, designs and calls us to walk the roads He has for us. We can encourage and cheer each other on to run the race marked out for us (Hebrews 12:2) and give grace to each other. God is not asking us to fill anyone else’s shoes, just the ones that keep us closely in step with Him.

May I be faithful and trust Him and serve wholeheartedly with what He has placed before me today. ❤

Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

 

*(Calm My Anxious Heart, Dillow, pages 42-43, adapted from Streams from the Desert, Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, page 271.)

I won a pig. I still can’t believe I won it.

I was around 22 years old at the time. We were celebrating that we surpassed our sales goals at my company. As my entire division gathered for the celebration, the Vice President had a game for us. I got excited because I like games, until he told us what the game was. He had a small target and if anyone could throw a football through this small hole, they would win a prize. My division was made up of my HR department, Security and all of Administration, including the mail room. The mail room mostly employed college guys and I thought I would never have a chance of winning the prize with them playing. David had tried to show me how to throw a football many times in the past, but I pathetically lacked the talent.

Each person came up to the front of the room and took their throw and missed. These college guys walked up with such a swagger and threw with all their might but no one hit the target.  They groaned, complained and asked for another chance to throw the football. Then it was my turn. I shook my head at the thought of how bad this was going to be. I just hoped that I wouldn’t look foolish. With a deep breath I put my hand on the laces of the football like David showed me and just threw it.

Whish! A perfect spiral as the thrown football left my hands and sliced through the hole.  I did it!

I wish I could say I was a gracious winner, but I was anything but. I screamed, I clapped my hands, I did leg kicks and jumps like I was a High School cheerleader at the Homecoming game. I ran around giving ‘high-fives’ to all my HR co-workers and I even called my Dad later on to tell him the news. “There’s another football player in the family, Dad!”

I was a terrible winner!

My prize? A ceramic pink piggy bank filled with over 100 one-dollar coins. It was a heavy piggy!

David and I were going to save the coins for a special occasion, but life has a way of changing that. I think it was spent to go towards a car repair. Yet, we still had the pig to remember my big win by.

Until about a decade later….

One afternoon, I was walking away from the foyer and I saw something pink fall from the second story. It just missed me and with a loud crash my pig broke into smithereens unto the foyer floor. Startled, I looked up to see Sarah, about six years old at the time, at the top of the stairs laughing and hand flapping with glee.

“Sarah, no!” I said with exasperation and weariness. My heart sank as yet another thing was destroyed.

Sadly, my pig didn’t fly.

Have you ever felt like your life is like my ceramic pig? Things are going well until you find yourself not able to fly, crashing into the ground and completely broken? It is amazing how quickly an ordinary day can turn into one that seems surreal.

I recently was reading about Kintsukuroi art.  It is Japanese art form of using gold to fill in the cracks in pottery. Pottery that was broken, useless and ruined is now repaired and made whole again.  In fact, the more cracks the pottery has the more valuable and beautiful the pottery becomes as the gold glues the pieces together.

Such a picture of Christ! There are times I have felt broken and defeated with this life with Autism. Yet, He brushes me off and picks up the pieces of my brokenness. He makes something new as He fills in the cracks with His peace and healing touch.  I once felt useless and ruined. Now, my filled-in cracks are a testament of Him working, healing and making me whole.

He can take the hardest times and challenges of our lives and make them into something that is beautiful. No, we are not the same as before, but He can redeem our brokenness into something that is uniquely us. It is our story, our journey, our testimony of His goodness and it is something beautiful and valuable in His eyes.

I Peter 5:1, “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” ❤

“Kids, get to bed!”

I gave an exasperated look to David showing my frustration of why our then elementary school aged kids were not going to sleep upstairs. It was well past their bedtime.

Their voices became louder.

That was it. I got up and was ready to march upstairs and give them a piece of “Don’t mess with Momma Jill” until I heard…

“She is going to live with Jack and me in an RV, got it?!?!”

Jim pounded the ground in his frustration and said, “No! She is living with me and my wife!”

“What is this all about?” I looked bewildered as my kids were outside their bedroom doors having a pow-wow.

Kendall with tears in her eyes said, “When you and Dad die, Jack and I are going to take care of Sarah. We are going to buy an RV and travel around the country.”

Jim piped in, “I’m the oldest and I say she will live with me and my wife. I’m going to build a house for her in my backyard.”

Bless their hearts!

I thanked them for loving their sister so much, but this was something we don’t need to decide now. After I got them all in bed, tears filled my eyes as I thought this was heavy on their minds, too.

Linda Dillow in her book “Calm My Anxious Heart” speaks about the spiritual diseases, ‘What if’ and ‘If Only’.

“Do you know there are spiritual diseases?  Two of the deadliest are the “if” diseases, What If and If Only.  These illnesses are fraternal twins, alike but not alike.  Both lack the eyes of faith.  What If looks to the future and worries about what God might allow.  If Only looks into the past and grumbles about what God has given.  The first leads to anxiety, the second to anger.” (page 150)

I have to admit that I have invited both of these twins over to my heart and mind and let them stay longer than they should!

The ‘What If’ likes to prey on my thoughts of when I might not be able to care for Sarah. Who will take care of her? Is it fair, that while my kids are willing to care for her, that they should have to take on that burden? Will she be safe if placed in a facility?

The ‘If Only’ entertains my thoughts of what life would have been like if Sarah did not have Autism. There is an isolation that comes from this journey. Limitations, sacrifices made. You can let your mind dream of how you think life should be.

Both are dangerous and as Linda Dillow points out, deadly.

Do I believe God is sovereign? Do I believe God is good? Do I believe He loves me and Sarah? YES!! With my whole heart, yes! Then my answer to these questions ends the conversation, my little get together, with ‘What If’ and ‘If Only’, and I show them the door.  While they can knock on the door of my heart, I do not have to answer it or let them in. I have the choice.

They cannot change my circumstances only my attitude. They steal my joy and peace and give me anxiety and discontent in return. No thank you! They are certainly no friends of mine!

Isaiah 52:13b, “for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard.”

He guards me from my past, the ‘If Only’ disease, and protects me from the ‘What If’ disease as I walk ahead.

He is the immunization to both! Praise Him!

 

Sarah just had her eye exam and it is always difficult to know how this will go. The doctor has used prisms to check Sarah’s eyes (How the Light Made a Difference, 16 Feb 2014) or Sarah has read from the screen that is across the room. Reading from the screen can be difficult because we don’t know if she is just saying letters or if she really is trying to tell you what she is seeing.

This year was no different. The doctor had to use both prisms and the screen to find the prescription Sarah needed. Yet, we ran into some issues. Sometimes Sarah called out 8 letters when there were only 5 letters on the screen. Or, saying letters that were nowhere close to the letters displayed, for example saying “Y” for the letter “N”. I looked at her and back at the screen wondering what she was looking at! Other times she read the line perfectly. That was until Sarah’s little secret was discovered.

The doctor put smaller and smaller font sized letters up on the screen. Sarah began to struggle. She put her head down and made a moaning/cry noise. This is a coping mechanism of hers if she wants to disengage from the situation. It is quite common for people with Autism to do this. Basically, I think for Sarah it is ‘if I don’t look at it, then it doesn’t exist’ and ‘if I cry you might let me get out of doing this’.  She would then looked out the corner of her eye put her head up and say the letters perfectly. The doctor changed the screen and Sarah did the same thing.

Was Sarah taking a moment to process things? Was it a sensory overload and she needed to look away to cope? I was proud of her for working through this and saying what was on the screen. I thought we were going to get an accurate diagnosis for sure. Then the doctor started to laugh.

“Sarah, are you looking at my screen?” The doctor had a small monitor that faced her that she used to take notes. On the bottom of the screen was an image of what was projected on the screen across the room.

Sarah looked down. She put her fingers to her throat so she could feel the vibration as she moaned once more.

“Sarah, are you cheating?” teased the doctor.

That was it. Sarah looked at me and sheepishly whispered, “Yes.” She then burst out in her hyena type laugh.

The doctor and I roared in laughter!

The doctor turned her monitor so it faced her more and we started the exam over again. This time we got the right prescription for Sarah.

There are times I am like Sarah. I come up to a roadblock or a challenge and I want to disengage, complain or moan to the Lord about it or find ways to get around it. Sometimes I don’t want to exert the energy or time that is needed to invest in it. Have you felt this way? We need to give ourselves a mental pep talk and spend a lot of time in prayer before we face what lies before us. And we need coffee. And we need chocolate and caramel, preferably together. (Okay, maybe those last few ones are just me.)

Last week, I was watching a devotional video from First5.org. The speaker, Whitney Capps, spoke about when the 12 tribes of Israel made it to the Promise Land, a few of the tribes decided not to cross the Jordan River and wanted to stay on the side they were currently on. The land around them looked good and even though God had given them the land on the other side, they didn’t want it. (Numbers 32) They settled for the easy. They settled for the “good enough” and years later they were the first to be attacked and taken off to captivity (I Chronicles 5:26). Could it be that they were an easier target because they did not have the Jordan River as a natural defense? (23 Jul 2016 ‘Don’t Stop Short of God’s Best’ www.first5.org)

I have a feeling that you are with me that we don’t want to settle for the “good enough” instead of what God has planned for us. While difficult at times, I would rather struggle through it and come out in the end with what He has planned verses me looking for shortcuts. Cheating doesn’t help and like Sarah will give us the wrong thing we need. If we went by what Sarah said when she was cheating, we would have left with a prescription too weak to be any benefit to her. She also would have found herself later on frustrated that she couldn’t see and possibly physically bothered with strained eyes and headaches. How true in my own life! Taking the easier way leads to frustration later down the road. No, the temporary discomfort of a roadblock is worth the exhilaration of making it to the other side and all that we learn through the process of it.

Thank you, Sarah, my “Little Cheater”, for reminding me it serves me no good to look for the easy way out when life gets tough. With a deep breath and a lot of prayer, I move forward on this journey.

Hebrews 12:11, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

*My basketball coach in high school made us memorize this verse while we ran laps. We ran a lot….. 🙂