I found the granola. It was inside the Cheerios box.  Of course! Why didn’t I look there?!?

Saturday, I turned the kitchen upside down looking for it.  I had put some plain Greek yogurt into a bowl and then I opened the cabinet door looking for my special ‘Momma only—No one touches’ granola, but, no granola.  I looked in the pantry, nope.  I looked high and low with no avail.  Sorry to say, plain Greek yogurt needs granola, or something, but at that moment only my special ‘Where can it be?  I just bought this today!’ granola would suffice.  Everyone said they had not touched it; they knew better.  Finally Jim said that he thought he saw Sarah eating something earlier.   Whatever it was she finished it and she threw the bag away.  “No wonder I couldn’t find it!”  I lifted my head up and sighed.  What a bummer, but I chalked it up to the reality that Sarah has a way of finding things.

Earlier that day she found the Paas decorating kits I bought for the kids to decorate eggs.  Okay, maybe the three kids are getting too old for it but I knew Sarah would enjoy coloring eggs and Kendall would enjoy helping Sarah look for the colored eggs on Easter morning. I hid the packages in a cupboard, but that was too easy for her.   I was upstairs cleaning the bathroom when Kendall yelled, “Mom!  Sarah opened the egg decorating packages and we have glasses full of colored water all over the kitchen counter.”   Sure enough, nothing was left or could be saved from the two packages I bought.  At dinner that night she refused to eat and dumped her entire plate in the trash without even taking a bite.  Then later on she grabbed Kendall’s leftovers out of the refrigerator (Kendall was leaving for a youth group social, but wasn’t finished.  She put her plate in the refrigerator to save it for later) and Sarah did the same thing and dumped it in the trash.

Mental note:  Sarah doesn’t like and has very strong feelings towards my pizza casserole.

So I was shocked today when I found my granola in a cereal box.  I was taking inventory about what we needed at the store and I looked inside the box to see how much was left in the bag.  To my great surprise, to my delight, there was my granola!

I know this sounds silly, but I was so thankful!  I felt like the woman in Luke 15 who loses one of her coins and searches her house for it.  “And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, “Rejoice with me, I have found my lost coin.” (Luke 15:9)  Now, I didn’t call my neighbors but I did text David telling him and asking him if he hid the granola in the cereal box.  He said he didn’t.

Rejoicing over granola, yup, I guess that’s me!  I know it was little, but I thanked the Lord because it meant a lot to me!  I’m thankful that He meets us where we are at and He reminds me that He cares, even if it is over something as small as a bag of granola.

I bought more Paas packages today.  I think I’ll hide them in the Cheerios box or maybe even branch out and stuff them in another box.  The steel cut oatmeal box is a good size.   Who knows?  I’m missing a few other things and might be pleasantly surprised in what I find! 🙂

**April Praises and Prayer Requests are on under the Praise/Prayer Tab at the top of the page.  Thank you so much for your on-going prayers for Sarah and us!

Today my Grandma Butler is 100 years old. Isn’t that amazing?!  To think she was just a little girl during World War I, in elementary school during the Roaring 20’s, a teenager during the Great Depression, and a newlywed during World War II.  Those are monumental moments in our nation’s history and those who went through it were changed, but I am thankful for the monumental moments she has made in my and in Sarah’s lives that have brought us change.

You see, my Grandma is a Prayer Warrior.  My Grandma told me that she prays every hour she is awake for our family.  She decided that when the clocks hits 9:09 or 10:10 or 11:11 (and so on), it is a cue for her to pray for her family and loved ones.

That means Sarah is being lifted before the Throne of God at least 12 times a day!  How many answers to pray have occurred because of my Grandma’s faithfulness?  How many times has she prayed protection, guidance, intervention, relief and encouragement for us on this autism journey?  I can’t wait until Heaven to see how the flow of her prayers changed the tides of Sarah’s life (and ours!).  The effects of Grandma’s prayers are like ripples spreading out even beyond what she could ever imagine.

When the Lord does call my Grandma home we will miss that blanket of prayer.  It has always been an integral part of this journey that I can’t fathom our lives without it.  It is a challenge to me to continue on her legacy for my kids and their future families.  What a priceless gift!

Happy Birthday, Grandma!  We love you and we are so grateful for your faithfulness to the Lord these past 100 years!

James 5:16b: “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” 

The Warrior

by Kendall Gregory

Joy in the air

Dancing through the wind

Smiles from ear to ear

 

But when I truly look

Into the eyes of deep blue

I see the silent plea

 

I don’t see joy

But sorrow, lust,

Pain & brokenness

 

You screamed

But they were

Deaf to your voice

 

You were left

Stranded, deserted

All on your own

 

You danced, cried

And even fell

But not of your own will

 

They tried

They truly tried

But you were so far

 

Not knowing

Not seeing

Not hearing

 

Nothing could help

Not even you

No matter what

 

So you became

A warrior

A fighter

 

You fought back

With your smiles,

With your patience

 

I know I don’t

Understand you

And never will

 

But you must understand

You are my hero

And I love you too.

 

It was an off-handed comment.  I just said it as I kissed her goodbye as she walked out the door to get on her bus for school.  Yesterday, both of Sarah’s pant legs were inside her socks.  What shocked me was Sarah heard me.  She was walking down the driveway, stopped and bent down and fixed her one pant leg.  When I said, “Oh, the other one, too!” she stopped and fixed the other pant leg.  I closed the door and couldn’t get over what I witnessed.  Sarah understands a lot more than I realize.

It is challenging.  It is convicting.

Later in the evening Sarah came up to hug me.  It is quite common for autistic children to shun physical contact (could be due to sensory issues), so I was thrilled to get a hug from my girl.  I remembered that morning and I whispered in her ear, “I love you, Sarah!  You are a kind girl.  You are smart, you are a good friend and I love your beautiful blue eyes.”

I felt Sarah breathe hard on my neck as she was soaking it all in.  When we broke our embrace the look on her face was one of mushy-gushy love.  She kissed me and I knew she understood.

As I lay in my bed last night, I thought more about the importance of me affirming not only Sarah, but all my children.  Then this smile came across my face as I realized my Mom did the same for me.  Yesterday, I met my mom for lunch.  She was in the area and it just worked out for us to meet.  I love my time with my Mom!  She is my sounding board and other than my beloved David, my biggest cheerleader.  She affirms me as a mom, as a wife and as a woman.  (She also corrects me when I need to be corrected and I appreciate that as well!)  Our time at lunch flew by and as I had to race to get Jack to take him to his orthodontist appointment, my Mom said, “Thanks for lunch.  I do love spending time with my girl.  It was the highlight of my day!”

No Mom….it was mine.

I Thessalonians 5:11a “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”

When Jim was younger, he loved birds of prey.  So much so, that we went to see the fall migration of these birds at Hawk Mountain Bird Sanctuary in Kempton, PA—twice!  We would climb Hawk Mountain and wait to see several raptors fly above our heads as they made their way south for the winter.  The things you do for love! 🙂  Actually, we never got to see a lot of birds (it rained the entire time both times), but we loved it all the same.  http://www.hawkmountain.org/

One visit, I went to the local grocery store to get food for our meals.  Our hotel room had a small refrigerator and microwave and we were making this trip on a tight budget.  While I was at the store, I saw a magazine showcasing a famous actress who had a child with autism.  Naturally, I was interested and bought the magazine.

As I sat in our little hotel room, which was quite tight with six people, I read the magazine article.  The actress spoke about her child’s condition and then she said something that hit me in stomach.   She said she prayed to God to heal her son and then she would tell everyone how she did it.

I read that sentence a couple of times.  Did I misread that?  God heals and she will tell everyone how she did it?  What?  She then talked about how well her son was doing; he truly was doing amazingly well.  All the things and therapies she was doing, we were doing, too, yet we didn’t have the ‘success story’.  We were just going tremendously in debt to pay for all of it.

I took the magazine and tossed it on the bed…well, I threw it across the bed and it hit the wall is more accurate.  I was so upset but I had nowhere to go in this little space. The only space available: the bathroom.  I told David I was going to take a shower.  As I took my shower, I sobbed about why couldn’t we have the “success story”?  Why can’t I have a “yes” to my prayers for Sarah’s healing?  I pleaded to the Lord that I loved Him and I am His child and yet why wasn’t He giving me the “yes” and healing Sarah like this actress’ son?

As I let the hot water pour on my head, in my brokenness and weariness this verse flooded my thoughts,

“Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” Genesis 15:1

I substituted my name for Abram and let those words, those promises sink in.  Don’t be afraid.  He is my shield; He is my great reward.  Sarah being healed is not my reward, He is.  And while in my mind, I thought Sarah’s healing is what I really wanted, I realized that it is not my prize, He is.   This life with Sarah is temporal (though sometimes it feels like eternity!) and my focus should not be on Sarah’s healing, but knowing Him more in the midst of it.  In heaven Sarah will be healed, but for now her condition causes me to fall on my knees to seek Him all the more!  I have nothing to fear because He is with me and goes before me as my shield.  How often have we known that He has protected us, gone before us, and provided us in tangible and intangible ways?

So while I don’t understand, I will walk closely behind Him (to have that shield be effective, I better be in close step behind Him!) and fixing my eye on Him…my very great reward.

25 year ago today I went on a blind date that my sister set-up.  A college guy named David Gregory just started working at my sister’s work, SEND International, in the accounting department and reluctantly, begrudgingly, “it is already set up and he is calling you in 5 minutes”, I agreed.  The rest is history!

In honor of our first meeting, here is one of my favorite stories about David.

One Sunday night it was the end of another busy weekend.  It was 8:30pm and we were exhausted.  We hadn’t eaten dinner yet and we decided to have our own little date night once we got the kids in bed.  An area restaurant had one of those “2 for $20” offers where you could choose any two entrées on their special list for only $20.  I called in our order and while David ran out to grab our dinner, I put all four kids to bed.  (They were in elementary school at the time.)

When he returned, we were ready for our date night.  We snuggled on the couch together and watched a TV show that we put on DVR earlier.  As we watched the show, laughing, eating our dinner and just enjoying this time together, David turned to me and said, “You know what?  I chose wisely.”

My heart melted.  With all that we have gone through with Sarah’s care; the medical bills that were in the tens of thousands, all the therapies, the specialists, the sleepless nights, her screaming and meltdowns, her poop smearing, her destruction of toys and anything else…  Despite of all of it he still would choose me and this crazy, stressful life all over again.

Tears filled my eyes as I squeezed his arm and nodded my head in agreement; I would choose him, too.

Then he said it,

“Yeah, I was going to choose the steak but I’m really glad now that I chose the bacon cheeseburger instead.”

Touching moment GONE!  My mouth dropped open in shock and then I started to laugh.  To this day, I will never let him live it down!

25 years ago the Lord orchestrated this blind date that I reluctantly, begrudgingly, “it is already set up and he is calling you in 5 minutes” went on and I have to say, I chose wisely that I went.

Proverbs 8:11, “for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire compares with her.” 

(David just said, “Now the “her” in this verse is wisdom, right?  Not you?  I don’t want to mess up again!”  This is why I love him! 🙂 )  

The recorded phone message from the school’s food services played in my ear again, “Your child has a negative food balance….”

“How can this be?  I just paid!  Why do I keep getting these phone messages?”

I texted Sarah’s teacher about the cost for lunch and she replied back, “Breakfast is $1.25 and Lunch is $2.75.”

I did that!  I sent in $13.75 for lunches this week; this makes no sense to me!

We started having Sarah buy hot lunch at school this year after years of dealing with her food aversions.  Food aversions are quite common for children with autism.  For some it is a texture issue, others it could be the color, shape or brand.  I knew of one autistic child that would only eat the round shaped chicken nuggets at McDonald’s.  His mom would ask the McDonald’s employee to take out the boot and the other chicken nugget shapes and only give her the round, ball shaped ones.  Another mom told me her child would only eat a certain brand of food, despite her trying to tell him the other brand she bought was the same thing.  Her idea of saving money on a different brand was useless because her child refused to eat it.

For Sarah, she refuses to eat sandwiches.  This makes lunch time difficult for things she will eat, but Sarah loves to eat the hot lunches at school.  It doesn’t matter what they serve, she loves to get in line and get her food.  This year we decided instead of searching for things for her to eat (and wasting food in the process), we would pay the $13.75 a week and let her buy hot lunch.

So why do I keep owing money?!

After many phone calls, we solved our problem.

“Well, you only send in $13.75 each week and Sarah’s weekly food balance is $20.  So, each week you owe an additional $6.25.”

“$20?”  I knew for an additional charge Sarah could get ice cream or other snacks, but I didn’t think she was doing that.  “Is Sarah buying extra snacks at lunch?”

“No, your daughter gets in the breakfast line, too.  Sarah buys breakfast and lunch at school.”

I had to laugh!  Sarah already eats breakfast at home before she goes to school.  I guess Sarah decided that she wants a second breakfast!  Oh, that little piggy!  She sees others getting food and wants to get in line for her share.

Being a little piggy…

I am thankful our Lord doesn’t do a “one time only” offer on His grace, mercy, wisdom and love.  He doesn’t give us a coupon that says “good for one time only” that I need to keep and save for that one time I really, really need it and once I cash in my coupon that is it for me.

No, it is just the opposite!  One of my favorite verses is James 1:5, “If any of you lack wisdom, you should ask of God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”  (It is one of my favorites because I pray it to Him so often!)

One translation of this verse says “liberally” instead of “generously” and I love the thought of Him giving me an outpouring of Himself that is beyond measure.  He gives the maximum instead of the minimum.  There is not one hint of a “one time only offer” with the Lord, but a heap upon a heap that is mine for the asking with no judgment.  There is no, “Again, Jill?  Seriously???”  Instead, I can always go back and be a little piggy and ask for more of His peace, grace, love, forgiveness, wisdom and mercy and in turn, extend my hand to offer the same to others.

I am thankful He has never said to me, “one and done, Jill”, but an arms wide open love for me to ask and start again.  I can always go back and grab seconds, just like Sarah getting in line for her second breakfast!  What a great thought as we start 2015!

So thankful to be “going back for more” on this journey!  Thank you for your faithful prayers for Sarah and us!!

In October, I re-blogged my birthday note to my close and dearest friend, Sarah White, who passed away on December 23, 2008 of pancreatic cancer.

It was Friday, December 19, 2008.  I had the day off from work and I was busy getting last minute Christmas shopping done.  As I drove around, this thought kept running through my mind,

“Go see Sarah.”

I thought, “I don’t want to bother her.  She could be resting and I would feel terrible if I woke her up.  Or, she could be at a doctor’s appointment.”

I prayed for her and went to the next store on my list, but she was heavy on my heart.

“Go see Sarah.”

I knew she was tired. Last time I saw her, I could tell, but she sat up and we talked and laughed together.  I didn’t want her to feel she had to entertain me.   Also, our kids were coming home from school soon.  We could only visit for a little bit.  I thought I’ll set up a time another day to stop by.

Once again, it was pressing on my heart, “Go see Sarah.”

It got to the point that the Lord’s push was greater than my resistance.  I drove straight to her house.  I didn’t even call.  I knew she loved Christmas music and I had a Christmas CD and some hand lotion I thought she might like.  If she wasn’t home, I was going to leave the items on her porch and call her later.

As I stepped out of the car, her house was quiet.  I knocked on the door and when it opened, Sarah’s mom, Cindy, was standing there.  She looked at me and with relief said,

“So, God sent you.”

I looked at her puzzled and she continued, “I have been on the phone on hold with the hospital trying to get a bed for Sarah.  I have been praying for someone to come and be with her in her room while I am downstairs on the phone.  God sent you.”

It was only 10 minutes or so that I sat and prayed with Sarah on her bed.  Her mom and then her dad arrived, saying that they got a bed and they were off to the hospital.

“God sent you….”  I left crying and desperately praying for my friend, but I thanked the Lord that He kept pushing me.  What if I hadn’t listen and rationalized why I shouldn’t have gone?  I would have missed that time with my dearest friend.  It was an honor to be the one He sent and be an answer to Cindy’s prayer.

At Christmastime, we celebrate someone else God sent; He sent His Son!

Galatians 4:4-5, “But when the time had fully come, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under law to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons.”

God sent Jesus at just the right time to redeem us.  I am so thankful God sent Jesus!  He is the answer to all our prayers and truly is the best Christmas gift ever!

David and I are so grateful for you.  Looking back over this past year, we know people are praying for our Sarah.  The Praise/Prayer Tab on the blog shows it!  Some issues we thought would never get better (her non-stop crying) are getting better!  We are so grateful!  Bless you and we wish you a wonderful Christmas as we celebrate our Savior’s birth!

“I wouldn’t wish autism on my worst enemy.”

It’s true, I have said that and I have meant it.

Yet, the Lord has allowed this in our lives.  I love the phrase, “Nothing has happened to us that hasn’t passed through His Hands first.”  The Lord in His Sovereignty allowed autism to come into our lives.  He wasn’t shocked by it.  It wasn’t like He turned His Head and said, “When did this happen to you?”   Not only has He known; but also He has walked so closely with us in the midst of it.

And I am grateful.

In fact, these are things I am grateful about autism:

• It has made my faith in the Lord from one of head knowledge to one of utter dependence. It reminds me of Job 42:5,

            “My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You.”

I knew about His grace, His strength, His mercy and His love, now I am immersed in them!

• It has given me empathy that I never had before. If you want someone to cry with you, I am your girl!  I think when your heart is so raw you truly can “mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.” (Romans 12:15)

•  It has shown me the power of prayer. We are so grateful for your prayers for us!  We feel them!

• It has shown me the kindness and generosity of others who helped us on this journey. I am so grateful for people giving so much of themselves to help us out because of their love for Christ. It truly is humbling and beautiful.

•  It has taught our kids to be compassionate. Our kids are advocates now for the underdogs and their patience and love for their sister is evident.  They adore and love her!

•  I have seen what a godly man I married. I knew David was a good man, but it is through fiery trials you see what people are made of and I am so impressed by his character, his integrity and his trust in the Lord.

• It has taught me to appreciate the good times on this journey.  I have a child who still thinks Disney princesses are real, gets so excited about Christmas presents and when Sarah belly laughs, it makes your heart sing.   There is nothing like it in the world!

No, I don’t wish this on anyone; autism has invaded our lives and changed us… and I am grateful.

When Sarah was first diagnosed with autism, I didn’t handle it well.  I was in a panic to find answers.  I desperately wanted to “fix” my daughter.  In our desperation to find answers we had Sarah undergo many tests.  One of these tests was to see where she was developmentally.

I will never forget walking into the room to go over Sarah’s results.  It was a preschool room with a half moon shaped table in the far corner.  David and I were asked to sit in the little preschool chairs at this table.  The psychologist sat on the other side in the teacher’s chair.  It was a sight to see David sitting in that little chair with his knees to his chest! 🙂  As the psychologist went over the results, she showed us a graph with many boxes.  Some boxes were filled in, but most were not.

“This is a chart to show the development growth in children.  These are foundational blocks that build upon each other…” said the psychologist.

I quickly looked over the chart and realized that Sarah had very few boxes filled in.  My heart sank.  “She is that far behind?”  I wondered.  My mind raced as I tried to figure out what this chart meant.  As the psychologist continued about Sarah’s results, I couldn’t handle it any longer and I blurted out.

“But will she learn to talk again?”

I can’t believe I interrupted her!  David, who was studying the chart intently, looked up at me startled.  It was so rude of me, but I thought I was about to lose it.  David sensing this reached over and put his hand on my knee.

The psychologist stopped and looked at me and took a breath.  I think she realized she better skip ahead and just let me know.

“Here,”   She took her pen and drew a line across the chart. “This is when verbal language usually appears.”

I gasped.  The line was far above any of the boxes filled.  Developmentally, Sarah at age 3 wasn’t even close!

“There are many factors that go into verbal language.  For example, typically, children need to be able to recognize 50 items receptively before verbal words are spoken.  Once these boxes, these building blocks, below this line on the graph are filled in, language will come.  Our job here is to help you systematically fill in these holes.”

I looked at David; we knew we had our work cut out for us, but I also felt that the Lord had directed us to a place that gave us a plan.

I think back about that chart.  I think about how it can relate to my own spiritual walk; how it is important to have firm foundation and to build up from that.  If I want to be spiritually at some level, then I better have firmed up and filled in “the foundational building blocks” below!

Thankfully, the Lord knows where “my holes” are at.  Even better, Jesus is with me to help me by teaching and equipping me as we fill them in.  He wants me to have a firm foundation to be ready for what lies ahead.   There are days when I feel we have our work cut out for us, but I am so grateful He directs me and He has a perfect plan!

“…a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed.” Isaiah 28:16