Best. Summer. Ever.  This is crazy when I think back over it.  I had the worst shower conditions:  the backed up toilet at the Rescue Mission that overflowed the moment you turned the shower on or having only one shower for 28 people (that was a logistical feat!).  Or, sleeping on a cot for 9 nights, 5 of them sleeping in a non-air conditioned room that was easily over 90 degrees (it was like a steam facial every night!), but it was wonderful to serve the Lord on two mission trips!  In August, David was in charge of an elementary school remodel in Detroit with a Christian Humanitarian ministry.  I came on Monday of that week to help him prepare and found myself spending the rest of the week working alongside many, many people in our community.

This summer was tiring, but it was the best experience!

As you know, last March I left a job that was perfect for allowing me to work around Sarah’s needs.  I walked away not quite sure what the Lord had in store for us.  Financially it did not make sense.  I wasn’t sure if I would ever go back to the work world because of Sarah’s needs and because I wanted to be more open to serving the Lord in ministry.

Pastor Todd Mullins once said, “Don’t put a period, where God has put a comma.”

I was ready to put a period on this part of my life, but God in His sovereignty made it a comma.  The first day of school for Sarah (she started later than the others) I started a new job as the Office Manager/Administrative Assistant to the Lead Pastor at a local church. It is the best of both worlds!  I am getting paid to minister to people!  How great is that?!?  When I opened up the offer letter I gasped.  All of my so called obstacles, the hurdles I thought would make me “unemployable”, the Lord wiped away. They have been so flexible with me regarding Sarah’s needs.  Sarah has various days off and they were fine with me taking them off.  I need to be home in time for her bus in the afternoons; not a problem with them.

It has almost been a month at my new job.  I am so happy!  I think I need to calm down my excitement because I catch myself talking very fast (more than usual!) and I can’t wipe the smile off my face. 🙂

I am thankful for my “comma” summer.  It was a God given pause that gave me great memories with my family, but I look forward to seeing what He has in store in this next chapter of my life.

Thank you for your faithful prayers for Sarah and for us!

1 Corinthians 2:9, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love Him.”

It was no big deal, really.  In fact, I had forgotten all about it.

One day last month we had a downpour of rain like no other.  It came down with such force that soon a river flowed where our street once was.  No one would want to be driving out in this weather, so it was a surprise when I heard a quick rap on the door.

It was a woman who explained that the main road was flooded so she cut down our street only to find her car almost submerged on ours.  She had pulled into our driveway and was waiting for the storm to pass.  She then asked if she could use our restroom, so I let her and her daughter come inside.  I talked to them for a little bit, but they soon returned to their car and when our storm drains finally caught up expelling the rainwater, they were back on the road again.

“Who was that?  Did you know them?”  Jim asked.

“No, just met them now!   They are just people who live in our city who got caught in the rain.”

I brushed it off and went on with my day.  Yesterday in the mail I received a letter from this mom and daughter thanking me for that day.  She started the note, “I bet you thought you would never hear from me again, but I wanted to thank you…”  I was surprised because to me it was no big deal, but it meant something to her.  (I was just thankful my bathroom was presentable! 🙂 )

How many times on this autism journey, what was “no big deal” for someone meant the world to us!  I wish I could tell you what an encouraging word, a hug, a cup of coffee, helping us transport our other kids to events, someone telling me that they are praying for us, means to us!   That encouraging note someone wrote to me, I still have it and have read it over and over again.  That hug?  I see them as God’s reminder that He has given us such wonderful friends who support and love us in the good times and bad.  That coffee?  Some days I am functioning with only a few hours of sleep because of Sarah and that coffee was the kindest thing someone could do.  Small acts, “I was driving my kids to the event anyway…” are priceless and do not go unnoticed by the Lord or by us!  Bless you and thank you for faithful prayers!

Thank you…your “no big deal” truly means a lot!

Mark 9:41, “I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in My name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward.”

By the way, I am keeping my bathroom clean just in case of another storm! 🙂

Last spring, my mom and I came to Sarah’s school to see her be a cheerleader at the last basketball game of the year.  Unfortunately, Sarah did not want to participate and screamed and cried the entire time.  I felt bad for her that she wasn’t able to enjoy the festivities but my eyes were drawn to the court and I was transfixed to what I witnessed.

The city’s public high school varsity basketball team was our opponent for this last game.  It was a big game.   The stands were packed with parents from both teams.  Our cheerleaders were lined up on one side of the court, the public high school varsity cheerleaders were on the other.  Then the game started and it quickly became apparent what was happening and my heart melted.

The varsity players with all their talent showed such kindness to our autistic teens.  They did not play with full intensity, but instead made it possible for our team to compete.  One time our player stole the ball from their point guard and ran down the court with it…literally.  In his excitement, he forgot to dribble the ball!  The players on this varsity team could have easily dunked the ball or shot 3 pointers over and over again to drive up the score (and a few times they did make an amazing dunk or a far out 3 point shot, much to our kids’ delight), but mostly they came to play with the mindset of letting our players shine.

During the game my mom leaned over and jokingly whispered, “Wow, this varsity team isn’t very good!”

I laughed but I could not help the tears welling up in my eyes as I watched the game.  What these young men were good at was making our kids feel like superstars.  These 16-18 year old young men got it.  In a day and age where selfishness is the norm, these high school students learned an important life lesson.  It wasn’t about competition, but compassion.  It wasn’t about trying to impress the crowd with their amazing ability, but making a lasting impression on kids who looked up to them.  It was about giving joy to others and seeking nothing in return.  I will never forget the look of pure happiness on our kids’ faces when they received high fives from these players, their heroes, when they scored a basket.

All throughout the game both cheerleaders were yelling out their cheers.  When our autistic kids scored a basket, I saw the other team’s varsity cheerleaders wildly celebrate.  Curious, I then listened to them cheer and realized they were cheering “Go Broncos!” in all their cheers.

That isn’t their school’s mascot…it’s ours.

I have been told that in all of these years of this big match up between our two schools, the varsity team has yet to win a game against us.  I find that hard to believe because they are all winners to me!

Ephesians 4:32a, “Be kind and compassionate to one another.”

“I have to admit, the girl’s got talent!”

Sarah, age 4 at the time, had stripped off her clothes…again.  The only problem with this is that she had also pooped in her diaper.  She would then take her poopy diaper and smear the contents all over herself, her bed, her toys, and the walls.  Hardest part is she would do it on purpose.  As an act of defiance or a sensory issue, the moment she went to take her nap, she would poop, strip and begin smearing it everywhere.  We tried countless ways to stop her, cut off the feet to her footed pajamas and have her wear it backwards.  She got out of it.  We then safety pinned the zipper to the backward pajamas; piece of cake for her to take off.  We then duct taped (our answer to anything!) the pinned zipper on the backward pajamas, but that only gave us a few weeks before she figured how to maneuver out of it.  Our little Houdini took on any challenge we gave her and beat us.  I was going head to head with an autistic 4 year old and getting beat each time!

One day, once again, I opened the door to the stench.  I gagged as I saw her covered in her own feces.  The smell was putrid and vile.  Her poop was everywhere: in her hair, face and body.  I had to strip her down trying not to get it on anything else and scrub her clean.  My clean-up job wasn’t over just yet.  I then had to disinfect the bathtub, her room, throw out items in her room that could not be salvage and do yet another load of wash.  Nap time, the time when the kids rested and I could get a moment of peace was gone.

I was angry.  I was exhausted.  I had reached my limit.

I slumped down at the dining room table feeling totally defeated with tears streaming down my face.  I put my head on the table and whispered, “Lord, I need a break from this!  I truly don’t know how much more I can take!  I know You are always with me, but right now I feel so alone. Remind me that You are here!!”

With this feeling of loneliness, I reminded myself of Isaiah 49:15-16 and read it out loud:

“I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of My Hands.”

I needed that!!  I imaged myself crawling into the lap of my loving Heavenly Father and asking Him to show me where my name was; to let me touch and feel my name in His Hand.  This thought brought such comfort for I was reminded I was never alone, but I was always on His mind and in His Hand all along!

I was telling my friend, Debbie, about this verse back when this happened and how it encouraged me on that really low day.  A few weeks later she gave me a drawing of open hands with this verse on it.  She wrote Sarah’s name on the palm of one of the hands and framed it.  I love and treasure it!!  It sits on my window sill as a constant reminder that Sarah’s name is on His palm, too!  He is ever mindful of my girl!  What a blessing to know!

Maybe you, too, are feeling alone and forgotten.  Or, you are not quite sure how much more you can take in life and have reached your limit.  What a reassurance and comfort to know as believers that our Lord is ever mindful of us and has our name in the palm of His Hand!  He has not forgotten you!!

Thank you for remembering Sarah in your prayers!  What a precious gift!

 

***(We are very grateful that someone bought us a jumpsuit specially designed for children stripping out of their clothes about the time this story happened.  There is a website for this kind of thing; who knew?!?!   It was quite the contraption with a zipper in the back covered by a flap held secure with a snap.  That combination worked for our little Houdini!  Thankfully she no longer smears at age 14.)

A year ago we started this blog asking for prayer for Sarah.  We truly were at an all time low and not sure what to do.  We asked for prayer and it has been AMAZING!!!  Thank you!!  Seeing our Prayer and Praises this month (from what it was a year ago), it brings me to tears!  Let me say: THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER!!  We are so grateful to you!!  You have been so supportive of this blog, our journey and we know you are praying!!

Thank you for letting me share what is on my heart and what the Lord is teaching me on this journey!  Bless you for reading this blog! 🙂 Here is Part III (and the last one-promise!) of John 9.

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As you know I have been working through John 9 about the blind man healed by Jesus and how his life was a work of God displayed.  People wondered if it was him or his parents who sinned, therefore he lived his life with a sense of condemnation.  When his parents were questioned by the Pharisees about his healing they were fearful they would be thrown out of the synagogue and they deserted him and left him to defend himself.  The healed blind man stood alone in front of the Pharisees and what his parents feared happened. The healed blind man was thrown out of the synagogue, excommunicated and rejected.

This poor man!  His entire life he felt nothing but shame and ridicule.  Even when he was healed, he still was not accepted.  His community, even his own parents, still rejected him.  His best day, the day he had been praying for all his life but never truly believe could happen, turned out to be a day of heartbreak.  A major high followed by a gut wrenching low. Once again, he was shunned and alone.  This is why I love John 9:35-37:

“Jesus heard that they had thrown him out (of the synagogue), and when He found him,

He said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?”

“Who is He sir?” the man asked. “Tell me so that I might believe in Him.”

“Jesus said, “You have now seen Him, in fact, He is the One speaking with you.”

Then the man said, “Lord, I believe,” and he worshiped Him.”

It comforts me that when Jesus heard of this injustice, He acted.  He didn’t shake His head in disgust when He heard that the Pharisees did this and then go along with His day unmoved and unchanged. He went out searching for this man.  Jesus, our Lord, responded and reacted to go after the brokenhearted. I imagine our Lord weaving through the crowd trying to maneuver His way in order to reach this man.  He pursued him and when He found him, gave that man a purpose and a place to belong.

The same Christ that went searching for that man seeks the brokenhearted still.  I am thankful that when we feel heartbroken, shame, ridicule, rejection, or confusion, we have a Savior that doesn’t shake His Head and say, “What a shame!  Oh, that poor person!”  No, He acts!  In His compassion, our Lord pursues us and when we allow Him, He removes all that baggage that holds us down and restores us.   It truly is a work of God displayed for all to see!

Pursued by Christ!  What a picture of love and mercy!

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 

The Ohio Turnpike: the jewel of Ohio!  Smooth roads and service stations that have clean restrooms, Starbucks and Cinnabon stores; truly divine!  With Jack’s lacrosse tournament this past weekend in Ohio, it was the best $2.75 I spent to drive on the turnpike!  We didn’t even have to use the restroom on the way home, but we stopped anyway. (I wanted to get my money’s worth!)  I think I could live at one of those service stations and be quite content!

What a difference from last year’s vacation when I struggle with contentment!

David has always wanted to take the kids to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to show them the majestic beauty of the Picture Rocks that he remembered from his childhood visit there.  We found a house that we thought was a good midpoint for our various day trips; Picture Rocks, Tahquamenon Falls, Soo Locks, etc., but also seemed isolated enough that Sarah’s crying would not bother the neighbors.  As we prepared to leave, though, we wondered how Sarah could handle the long drive up north.

“If she cries just driving around town, how is she going to handle 6 hours in the truck?”

She wouldn’t.  She couldn’t.

We debated on whether to cancel the vacation or have either David or myself stay home with her.  When we discussed these options with the other kids, the look of disappointment was evident.

David said, “The kids are going to resent her if we don’t go.  They make a lot of sacrifices because of Sarah and this would be very hard on them as they’ve been looking forward to this trip.”

Thankfully, amazingly, sacrificially, my parents offered to watch Sarah so we could go on this vacation.  While it was extremely generous of them, I felt incredibly guilty.

“What kind of mother leaves her child so she can go on vacation?!?”

This wasn’t a work related trip.  This wasn’t an anniversary trip with David.  This was a family trip and I was contemplating leaving a part of my family at home!  What mother leaves her child so she can have fun?   Is it fair to leave my parents to take care of her knowing that she doesn’t always sleep through the night, wets her diapers (or worse), and cries all day with no relief?  I cried, wrestled with this and prayed for wisdom and in the end we decided that Sarah would be happiest at home while we went on the vacation.  She loves my parents and would enjoy having one on one time with them.

As we drove up north, my mother’s heart strings pulled on me for leaving Sarah, but I saw a different side of my other kids.  They were relaxed.  I never realized how Sarah’s crying affected them.  In many ways, they seemed relieved as they laughed and talked.  At one point on the trip I sat in the back seat and had one child asleep on my shoulder and the other one laced her arm through mine as she was telling me what was going on in her life.  David looked at me in the rear view mirror and smiled.  I have spent so much time and energy pouring into Sarah; I didn’t realize how much my other kids needed their mom and her full attention.  I felt the Lord reminding me He has given me 3 other children that still need their mom.  In a few years Jim will be off to college, then the others will soon follow and I need to treasure these moments with them.

We did things that we could never have done if Sarah was with us.  We played miniature golf, went on a 2 hour boat ride to see the Picture Rocks, went out and sat down to eat in a restaurant and saw a movie.  There was no way in a million years Sarah could have handled any one of those things! David teased that we spent more money than we planned because we could do so many things we normally couldn’t do!

I thanked the Lord over and over again during that trip that He gave us this time together.  I truly felt like Mary in Luke 2:19:

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

When we came home everyone was glad to see Sarah again.  We missed her, but this break from her helped us come back refreshed and renewed.  My mom said that Sarah was fine and whether good or bad, didn’t seem to be affected that we were gone.

We are making vacation plans again for this summer and bless my amazing parents for their willingness to watch Sarah again.   My mom said it something they can do to help and give us a reprieve. What a precious gift!  I am so deeply grateful for my parents!

I have a feeling I am going to be treasuring and pondering a lot in my heart this summer for all of God’s goodness to us!  Thank you for your prayers!!

**The first background of Sarah’s prayer blog is a picture of Iroquois Island that David took with his phone from the house we stayed at in the U.P.  The newest background is from our second trip to the U.P.

 

Today is our 20^th wedding anniversary.  I was thinking about our vows and how we had no idea what was in store for us!  Here is the application of our vows 20 years later in view of how our lives have changed with Sarah.  Basically, what we know now that we didn’t know then!

“I, Jill, take you, David, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward”

20 years later of daily application:  To hold me when I am so exhausted.  To let me sob into your chest when Sarah used to smear her poop all over her bedroom walls when she was little.  Or, this on-going crying she is doing, or another sleepless night with Sarah and I feel like I am at the end of my rope.  You hold my hand and look into my eyes and remind me we are in this together.  You pray over me for the Lord to fill the spaces in my heart that only He can to strengthen and sustain me.

“For better or for worse”

20 years later of daily application: You always make the worst days better.  God has given you a big picture mind-set when I can’t seem to see even past the next five minutes. I am thankful that the Lord always has made it for us that if one of us is down or overwhelmed, the other is not.  It truly is Ecclesiastes 5:9-10a:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up.”

“For richer, for poorer”

20 years later of daily application:  When the Behavioral Psychologist said Sarah is ‘your million dollar child’ when she was 3 years old, we thought it was a figure of speech meaning that the costs for her care will be expensive.  Now, we think he meant it literally! 🙂  Yet, here we are.  God has continued to provide and sustain us.  You have shown by example that when a bill comes in (or just this past weekend when our old dryer finally gave out or when we had that sewer pipe in our basement break this winter), that we need to trust the Lord because He knows our needs and He will take care us.

“In sickness and in health”

20 years later of daily application: We had no idea that sickness could mean one of our children and the road we are walking.  I am so thankful you are involved with her care, joining me for doctor and specialist appointments when you can.   You are so good remembering details and dates.  I think it is funny that the doctor just asks you because she knows you will know! I love how you celebrate with me on her successes.  I know she is pleased, too.  She adores you!  While the words are not always there, her eyes tell you she loves her Daddy!

“To love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

20 years later of daily application:  I love you more than I did 20 years ago when we stood on stage at church vowing this covenant between us and the Lord in front of our family, church family and friends.  My love for you has deepened and matured to appreciate the man God has given me.  I cherish your love for the Lord, your Godly integrity in everything you do, your love for me and the kids, your friendship, your sense of humor, your hard work ethic, but most of all..YOU!

I mentioned in an earlier blog we had the Scripture reference Proverbs 3:5-6 engraved in our wedding bands.  We actually engraved two references.  The other is Psalm 126:3, which reads:

“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.”

20 years later of daily application:  So true!! 🙂

Thank you everyone for your faithful prayers for Sarah and for us!

Last month, I shared with you the verses in John 9 that the Lord used to encourage me when I struggled with the thought that I might have done something or could have prevented Sarah’s autism.   Later on in John 9 the healed blind man was questioned by the Pharisees.  (Raked over the coals is more like it!)  I love his response:

“He replied, “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know, I was blind but now I see!”  John 9:25

Sharing what you know; what a great thought!  I don’t claim to know all the answers but I do know Jesus and the difference He has made in my life and that I can share!

My pastor, Pastor Dave Riddle, said:

“I am:

-Not a defense attorney
-Not a prosecutor
-Not a judge
-Not the jury

I am His witness and I speak the Truth!”

I loved what he said so much I wrote it on the back page of my Bible.  It reminds me of I Peter 3:15:

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

Whatever you are facing right now, the tough times you are going through, the “Works of God Displayed” in progress, all we can do is be a witness and talk, share and/or shout the good news of Christ working in our lives and the hope we have because of Him!

Okay, some of us might not feel we are the most eloquent of speakers or claim to be able to debate deep theological truths (there is a reason why I never took Debate class; my palms are getting sweaty just thinking about it!), but we can share with others what we know: the good news of Jesus Christ and what He has done for us!

“One thing I do know, I was blind, but now I see….”

One thing I know is I was hopeless, but He gave me hope…

I was distraught, but He gave me peace…

I was lonely, but He was my comfort…

I was floundering in desperation, but He stilled my soul and held my hand…

I felt empty, but He filled me with joy…

I realize that is more than one thing, but you get the idea! 🙂

I would love to hear your ‘before and after’!  He is at work and He never wastes a trial or a pain!

Today the girls are 14 years old!  I asked Sarah and Kendall what they wanted for their birthday dinner.  Kendall asked for an ice cream cake for dessert but she said she would let Sarah decide the meal.  When I asked Sarah what she wanted for the meal, she said, “cake”.

I said, “No, what food for dinner?”

“Ice cream”

“No, Sarah, what do you want to eat for dinner?”

“Cupcakes”

“No, Sarah,” I said laughing as I looked at David who was listening to the conversation, “Something that doesn’t have sugar in it.”  (I said that more to David than to Sarah.)

Sarah replied, “Chocolate.”

Oh well, it looks like it is going to be a sugar filled birthday!

The twins’ birthday is an anniversary of another event in our lives.  It was at their two year old wellness doctor visit when we first heard the word “autism” in regards to Sarah.

David and I were so sure Sarah was going to need tubes in her ears; that had to explain her behavior.  I shared my concerns with our pediatrician at the appointment.

He looked intently at Sarah and then back at me.

“I think it is autism.  I will be right back with some paperwork.” With that the pediatrician got up and walked out the door.  (We needed a referral to see a specialist.)

“Autism?  What??!  Isn’t that what the character in the movie ‘Rainman’ had?  Sarah is nothing like that!  How can he say that?!  How does he know that it is not her hearing?  He didn’t even look inside her ears!”

The rest of the appointment I was in a daze.  I don’t remember standing in line to check out or paying my co-pay.  I somehow walked out to my car and got all four children in their car seats and then I sat in the driver’s seat still stunned.   I do remember looking in the rearview mirror and seeing Sarah strapped in her car seat.  Out of nowhere this deep guttural groan came out of me as tears poured down my face.  I felt this heaviness on me that I have never experienced before.  With each labored breath, I felt it and prayed the entire drive home that the doctor was wrong.

“Please Lord…no.”

Unfortunately, as you know, the doctor was correct.

Now, it is twelve years later and we have had some good days; we have had some bad days; and we have had some really bad days.  It’s those really bad days that I feel that deep groan coming up from inside me once again; that feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and physically spent.  It is those times that I tell myself I need to remember what I already know.  I recall His promises from His Word.  Better yet, I like to sing His Word back to Him in praise.  Not always in tune, but from the heart.  It has been a mood lifter time and time again.  The groan is replaced with overwhelming peace that is sweet to my soul.

Like Sarah, her Momma likes her sweets!

Thank you for the 12 years of faithful prayers for us!  Truly, what a gift!!

“How sweet are Your Words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” Psalm 119:103