Well, the new job did not work out. As if a character in a story, I had a foreshadowing statement that I should have paid more attention to when it occurred. I thought it was profound when it was said to me. It was just like in a movie when the music starts to play to signifying to the audience that this was an important statement and to pay attention to it. Now, I look back and shake my head that I didn’t pick up on it.
Pastor Josh was exactly right.
Pastor Josh, the youth pastor at the church, said to me, “Jill, may I say something to you? I think that working is good for you to step away from your life with Sarah and just be ‘Jill’. It is a place for you to be you.”
I agreed with his statement. I did enjoy being ‘Jill’ and work has been an escape from the stresses of Autism, but I still thought that helping other parents with Autistic kids would be a good fit for me.
I was wrong. I was very, very wrong!
I quickly and harshly found out that my idea of bringing comfort to people with the same comfort I received from the Lord (II Corinthians 1:3b-4) was not what these parents were looking for. It was extremely emotional listening to these parents (some who were just plain nasty) and then coming home to Sarah wetting her bed or having one of her crying fits. I never got a break from the world of Autism and it took a toll. I tried to make this work! I didn’t want to be a failure. I have grown up with the phrase “A Butler never quits” but I also knew that this was not the right fit for me.
Also, this job turned out to be a full-time job. My friend thought it could be part-time, but her business is booming! She is an entrepreneur and a very gifted businesswoman. I have truly enjoyed getting to know her better. Yet, this job has quickly shown that this position is full-time and for the time being could not be done from home. I need her and access to client files to perform this job.
When I shared my heart to her, the owner totally understood. She agreed that sometimes being too close to the situation actually keeps opening up the wound. I realized that my Autism wound is still scabbing over and talking all day about the hardships of Autism and then dealing with life with Sarah became too much and my scab became very raw. (And besides, that the job requires more hours I can give.)
Next week I will finish out my duties and I will be unemployed. We sure didn’t see this in our future!
I am thankful the Lord does know! To be honest, I have cried so much these past few weeks, more than I would care to admit. I miss my joy. During my quiet time with the Lord, I poured out my heart asking Him why this happened. I came across Psalm 94:14-15 and it truly jumped off the page.
“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping’, Your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”
Right now I feel like my foot is slipping, but I am caught by His love! While I don’t understand, His consolation brings me back my joy and heals my wounds. So thankful!!
Thank you for your continued love and support for us on this journey. Tears fill my eyes (here I go crying again!) that I have people lifting Sarah and us up in prayer.
David also is starting a new job next month and will be traveling more. I am going to wait and see what that means for our family, but will be on the lookout if the Lord opens a job opportunity to me.
Another twist on our Autism journey, but I am thankful our Lord knows the way!