Yesterday Jim graduated from high school. The special need seniors were the last to go through the processional line. I saw a girl there and thought, ‘Wow! That could be my Sarah’ and I wondered where her mom was in this massive crowd. Tears filled my eyes as I thought how proud she must be! I didn’t see her after the ceremony, but if I did, this is what I would have told her:

“You do not know me but I cried with you in celebration today. I came to see my son graduate but tears streamed down my face when I saw your daughter cross the stage to receive her diploma. I recognized she was ‘special needs’. The way she was jumping in place, part excitement, part being over-stimulated with the noise and people; the way her aide kept guiding her to stay in the line reminded me very much of my own daughter who has Autism. What a sense of pride you must have felt when you saw her accept her diploma!

She did it! The numerous IEP’s (Individual Educational Plans) to help tailor your daughter’s education, the many meetings with teachers and aides finding ways to help her, all worth it now to see what she has accomplished. You may have had struggles some mornings getting her ready for school. My daughter can be so stubborn sometimes and nothing will deter her. For example, last week my daughter insisted on wearing her Memorial Day headband that had silver streamers shooting off the top. She loved the noise it made when she shook her head. You can only imagine the amount of head shaking she did! I’m surprised it didn’t give her a headache! I bet you, too, shook your head many times over the years as you decided to pick your battles and keep the big picture in mind: she is receiving an education that will improve her future.

I am so proud of your girl! She did something that my daughter will not be doing. My daughter will be in an autism program until she is 26 years old and therefore, will not be graduating with her local high school. In many ways, I imagined what it would have been like if that was my daughter walking across that stage. For me, my heart would be beating fast! I would be praying she wouldn’t run and does what she is instructed to do, but most certainly I would have an overwhelming sense of pride!

She did it, Momma! She did it!

I loved what happened after your daughter received her diploma. Everyone had gone through the line on stage to receive their diplomas but there was a lull as we waited for all the seniors to exit the stage and return to their seats. The silence was broken when the crowd began to cheer for all the seniors, but your daughter thought it was just for her! She took off her hat and bowed to the audience. She waved and threw fist bumps into the air celebrating her accomplishment! I loved how the crowd cheered even more! Her aide led her back to her seat but that moment will forever be on my heart, other than my son receiving his diploma. The speeches and charge to the seniors will be forgotten, but I will never forget the look of pride on your daughter’s face as she lifted her hands up in celebration. Her diploma means so much more. It is the finish line. It is something you have been striving and working so hard for and I am cheering with you as you celebrate!

Congratulations, proud Momma! She did it!”

“Rejoice with those who rejoice…” Romans 12:15a

“You left this morning for work having four kids and you returned home having the same four kids and a little extra bonus to the day, I took a shower. So all in all, it was a good day.” I said with a wink in my eye.

This was my typical response to David when he came home from work asking how my day went when our kids were little and I was home with them.

If I ran into my friends with older children while running errands they would tell me, “Cherish these days, Jill. They go by so fast! You blink and they are gone!”

I would smile and nod as I was trying to keep my kids with me. It was like herding cats! In my head, though, I was picturing myself (jokingly) blinking my eyes over and over again.

Fast?!? Are you kidding me?! My life reminded me of a story about my friends Craig and Michele. They were on the “Small World” ride in Disney World and it broke down. There they were stuck in a boat for over 30 minutes with the music “It’s a Small World After All” continuously playing in their ears. (Honestly, I shutter just thinking about it; my poor friends!!) Yet that is how I felt. I was on a never ending ride of cleaning messes, diaper changes, breaking up fights, and laundry. How can such small people create so much laundry?

Only then after I walked away from these moms would I realize that one of my precious children wiped their face on my shirt. Seeing the food smeared (I hope it wasn’t a snotty nose!) across my shirt hem caused me to sigh and accept defeat that I had become ‘The Human Napkin’….again.

Then I blinked and it happened, my kids are now almost grown and my heart is longing to go back.

I miss chubby little fingers flipping pages of books, coloring book masterpieces that decorated our refrigerator or making elaborate forts in the living room with all our flat sheets and dining room chairs. I miss pretending the floor was lava and we placed couch cushions on the floor as we hopped from cushion to cushion to be ‘safe’. I miss the days of schedules and routines and having all my children home. I long for having the only thing on the docket of the day was to be home and taking care of my babies.

It truly did go by too fast.

This week my eldest is graduating from high school and will soon be heading off to college.

It’s surreal.

This past month I have been working on his scrapbook. It is hard to call an 18 year old’s scrapbook a baby book, so I am calling it his life book. I am the scrapbook mom that years go by of not working on it and then I do a blitzkrieg of scrapbooking. If you ever see his book, I ask for two things: don’t judge and don’t question. For all sense and purposes, he is the age/grade in that photo that I say he is. I made an executive call and who is going to debate his own mother?

As I look back at his life book, it is compilation of people investing in him. I see the time and energy of others pouring into him and now we all see the fruition of it as he graduates. We could not do this alone and I need to thank them.

Thank you to the nursery workers and Sunday School/Jr. Church teachers who gave up their worship time to hold or work with my child on Sundays. By your service he would come to know that others loved him and cared for him. There were Sundays where I sunk into my seat, worn to the bone and so depleted after a long week of caring for Sarah. It was my one moment of peace, sanity and time to worship and recharge. You got me through some very tough times. Thank you being an example of Christ to my child and to me.

Thank you two and three year old preschool teachers for reinforcing what we were trying to instruct at home; he, like our other kids, embraced those ‘terrible two’s’ with a passion, but you loved him through that phase and enjoyed him for all the wonder and excitement a two and three year old has for our world and God’s creation.

To those, who after a long day at work, ate a quick dinner (or maybe didn’t) and raced to church to work in our mid-week programs, thank you. He loved AWANA and Stockade. His leaders made a lasting impact on him. He memorized Scripture that still comes to his mind today. You gave him an invaluable gift of sharing God’s word with him and we are grateful!

Thank you to his school teachers for pouring themselves into him. We are so blessed by professionals who desired to help our son succeed. Jim attended both private and public schools during his school years and we are so thankful and blessed by the quality in our educators in both settings! We could never give you enough thanks and respect for all you do! Jim has received an excellent education.

Thank you to our awesome youth group that challenges him, makes his faith his own and teaches him to serve others. His small group leaders made him accountable, to feel free to ask questions, share his struggles and to find ‘a band of brothers’ in his peers to do life with. He has had a great experience in youth group and we are so deeply thankful.

Thank you coaches for teaching my son the lifelong lesson of being a team player and about good sportsmanship in the various sports he played. He has had some great coaches, he has had horrific ones. Through it all, Jim has learned perseverance, dedication, a love for the game, what it means to play on a team and to do your best, win or lose.

I can’t believe I blinked.

Recently I saw two wooden signs that were next to each other in a store. One read, “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”  The other said, “Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10” I thought that was fitting for my life right now. This is a new stage in our lives and while I want to go back to the days of being a Human Napkin (I can’t believe I am saying that!), God has something exciting and new on the horizon. I am just going to be still and know Him in this new phase and try my best not to blink.

When Sarah was four years old a mom who had an adult child with special needs gave me some insight. She said that certain days and events in your child’s life, or the children their same age, will hit you hard. She said to be prepared. It is like grieving the diagnosis all over again. She spoke about high school or college graduations or weddings for friends’ children that are your child’s same age, but as I looked at Sarah and Kendall and thought about their lives together, the time that immediately came to mind that might hit me hard would be their Sweet 16 Birthday.

There is something about the Sweet 16 Birthday. It’s a milestone; it marks a turning point, a definite increase in independence and one step closer to becoming an adult that just makes it extra special. It even has its own name. People don’t say, “Oh, congratulations on your Fabulous 15 birthday!’ or “So, you’re Sensational 17!” No, Sweet 16 is one that gets ‘ooh’s and aah’s’ from strangers when you tell them you are 16.

I remember my Sweet 16 birthday. My parents gave me a butterfly key chain with my name engraved in the center with a set of keys to the family mini-van; wood panel siding and all. IT WAS AWESOME! My Mom and I went to Secretary of State/DMV to get my driver’s license, but not before I spent an hour on my hair. It paid off. My hair was exceptionally poofy (got to love the 80’s hair!) for my photo. (Wait. There was a background to my photo?) IT WAS AWESOME!

Tomorrow the girls will be Sweet 16 and I remembered my friend’s insight so many years ago. To be honest, while it is not hitting me hard, it is a sad reminder for what will never be. With Kendall, this birthday truly is sweet and once she finally gets all her driving hours in, she will be soon sporting her driver’s license. With Sarah, it is just another birthday.

In many ways it’s ‘bittersweet 16’.

I thought Sarah would be higher functioning with more vocabulary at this point in life. There will be no driver’s license or other mark of becoming more independent. No, it seems like we are dealing with the same issues we have been for years. Two weeks ago, I sent out a S.O.S. to you who follow the blog (bless you!!) asking for prayer for her OCD behaviors and I am so thankful to let you know that your prayers are working! Thank you!! Her excessive hand washing has stopped and even the running away has become less. Though, we are looking into a door alarm to let us know if a door is opened.  She still has some other OCD issues that are on-going, like spitting into a paper towel or sticking her fingers down her throat to make herself gag. Yet, they have definitely decreased and we are so grateful for your prayers!

Last month, I spoke to another friend who has an adult daughter with lifelong challenges about how there is never an end in sight. Autism, or with her daughter’s disability, will be with us for the rest of our lives. We will never get to a point that we look back and say, “Wow! Glad that is over!  I learned a lot, but glad to put that past me.” I know a lot of you, too, have these lifelong or chronic challenges in your lives.  You inspire and encourage me as you walk the road God is calling you. I have learned volumes by your example of walking in faith!

It reminds me of a fictional story about God asking a man to push a boulder. The man day after day, year after year, pushed the rock, but it never moved. Not even an inch! The man was tired, frustrated and found his job pointless. He complained to God that he had enough.  (I think we’ve all been there!)

God responded, “…And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition, you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom. This you have done. I, my child, will now move the rock.” (‘The Unmoved Rock’, source unknown, Bible.org, 20 Jul 2009).

This life I am walking is not changing but it is certainly changing me!

There are times on this journey it is too much. It is hard and I complain to the Lord in my weariness that I have had enough. I want a break. Yet, I am reminded constantly of how He is my source of strength, how He has provided, been so faithful and shown His loving kindness to me. He has used Autism to soften me where I needed to be soften, crushed me where I needed to be crushed. My faith has been battle tested and stretched more than I thought it could be and it is continuing to be refined. I am not who I was before this journey and while painful at times, it is a good thing.

In fact, it is bittersweet.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those of who love Him…” Romans 8:28a

Hello Prayer Partners,

Thank you so much for your willingness to pray for our girl. We are coming to you to ask if you could just lift her up in prayer as she is really struggling with her OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) right now.

Lately, she has been washing her hands over and over again. Her hands are red from it. (This is a behavior she used to do when she was 2nd grade.) Her hands are not bleeding yet, but they soon will be, if she continues.

Twice today she opened the front door and ran off. The first time was to the end of the driveway before Kendall caught her and the other time she made it to the neighbor’s house. This is very scary! When she was little and did this we put a lock high up on the door. Now, there is nothing she can’t unlock. She is taller than me by 3 inches.

She is also repeating phrases over and over again. While this in not uncommon for her, the frequency has definitely increased.

She is also having eating issues. Foods she has liked in the past, she no longer has any interest. This is so strange for her. We are at a loss of why. (She does eat, but this sudden dislike of her favorites is strange.)

It just seems like she is restless. She paces the house and is into everything right now.

Please pray that the Lord will bring peace to her soul and calm these OCD urges inside her. Please pray for wisdom on how to help her. Is this due to spring allergies? (In the past, due to spring allergies she would be more aggressive.) Do we need to increase her OCD meds?

I’m nervous.  The elopement issue is fear of mine. I am praying Psalm 77:1-2a,10-12:

“I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; …Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.”

Our Lord has protected and loved this girl even before I held her in my arms. I have no need to fear because the Lord has a long track record of faithfulness. I need to keep reminding myself of this truth!

Thank you for praying with us on her OCD behaviors. It truly means so much for your willingness to pray for Sarah. Bless you and thank you!!

 

I love cooking shows. I make sure I have my DVR set for them, but ironically, I don’t really cook. Bake, yes. Cook, no.

My sisters and my mom have the cooking gene, but somehow this gene is suppressed in me. It is dominated by the “thaw, heat and serve” gene instead.

I became painfully aware of this truth once again when I made meatloaf last November. Meatloaf. How can I mess up meatloaf?! It is ground meat in loaf form; not rocket science here.

The recipe called for strips of bacon to be placed on top of the meatloaf. As the meatloaf cooked, theoretically, the bacon would crisp up for a crunchy ‘bacon-y-oh- so- good’ topping.

This was not the case.

The bacon grease dripped down onto the oven floor. (Wait. Was I supposed to put a cookie sheet under the meatloaf pan? Make a note on the recipe card.) Unfortunately, enough grease fell to the oven floor and began to smoke and catch fire.

Not to worry! I remembered that I saw on one of those cooking shows about throwing something on the grease fire and it will extinguish it. Was it flour? I ran to the pantry to grab my bag of flour and I took two large handfuls and threw them onto the grease.

Whoomp! The flour immediately caught on fire. So the answer to my question is: NOT FLOUR. (Make a note on the recipe card.) The kitchen began to fill with smoke and the smoke alarm in the kitchen went off.  Scrambling, I grabbed a chair to climb up on to try to knock the battery out of the alarm as the siren pierced my ears.

“Come! On! Battery! Door!” I was tugging with all my might to slide that tiny door open. Seriously, how can a small piece of plastic be so difficult? Finally the cover door gave way along with the entire smoke alarm. I stood there on the chair with the alarm in my hands; four screws staring back at me and me remembering that I read one time the importance of using drywall anchors. (Make a note…probably somewhere other than the recipe card.)

Jack said, “Should I open the door wall?”

“WHAT?”

“SHOULD I OPEN THE DOOR WALL!?”

“YES!” Not realizing I was shouting too as my ears tried to recover from the loud piercing alarm.

Turning my attention back to the oven, the flames continue to grow and the entire oven coil was set ablaze. I carefully grabbed the meatloaf pan and put it on top of the oven and was trying not to gag over the grease/burnt flour smell that was pouring out of it. I turned on the exhaust fan on high hoping to cut down on the smoke. Baffled that my flour idea did not extinguish the flames but only made it grow, I went to the next best thing….the fire extinguisher under my kitchen sink. I got it as a gift from my mother. She knows me well.

Since I have not used one in a long time (honest), I was trying to read the canister ‘Pull pin, squeeze trigger…’

“Mom? Is the oven supposed to be on fire?” said one of my teenagers inquisitively as he walked into the kitchen. As my oldest he has witnessed many of my incidents in the kitchen but even this one left him puzzled.

“WORKING ON IT!”  (I am going to say that my tone was because my hearing was not quite back yet from the smoke alarm and not that I was losing my patience.)

With that I pulled the pin and pointed the can at the oven.

WHOOOSH! A thick cloud of fine white powder descended over the kitchen and it went everywhere covering the oven, counters, floor, ceiling and the meatloaf. Basically my one spray covered a surface area of 1,000 square feet. Impressive!

Whew! The fire was out and the only thing remained was the sound of the exhaust fan feverishly running.

I sighed and did a quick clean up of the counters and floor and put the flame retardant covered meatloaf into the sink to cool off before I trashed it. Accepting my defeat, I grabbed my keys to run out to grab a $5 pizza.

I had such good intentions! I was making a dinner for my family. Meatloaf! That is as American as you can get! I had such good intentions when I thought flour extinguished grease fires. After sharing my story to friends, it seems like everyone but me knows its baking soda.

I had such good intentions…

Many times in this life with Sarah I have had such good intentions. When Sarah was first diagnosed with autism I was desperate to try anything and everything to “fix” her condition. We were told that to see the best results with her therapy we needed to devote 40 hours a week to it. I was resolved that was what we were going to do. We tried, we really tried, but things don’t always go as planned or fit into our life with three other kids. We struggled even getting 15-20 hours of therapy a week in. We even hired 4 to 5 therapists to come help, but we were still nowhere near the 40 hours. I felt like I was failing her. I knew God gave us her and my heart was willing to do anything to help her, but I just couldn’t do it all. I felt so defeated. I couldn’t balance being wife, mom, therapist, and caregiver. All my good intentions fell short.

I am thankful the Lord reminded me that I can’t be on this autism marathon on my own strength. It depletes my energy and leaves me empty. In fact, He never asked me to be on this journey without Him. He knows me. He knows my strengths, weaknesses, and all my good intentions. When I find myself collapsed in a puddle of defeat, He lifts my head, wipes my tear stained face and helps me back up on my feet again.

I am grateful for that and that He is not looking for perfection in me but a willing and obedient heart. When I finally open my hands to let Him have control, putting all my good intentions in view of what He is calling me to do and be, it’s a recipe for peace and joy.

Now that’s my kind of cooking!

“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7

*April Praise and Prayer Requests are found under the “Praise and Prayer Request” page. We can never thank you enough for praying!!

“Is she normally this hyper?” asked one of the Capernaum leaders.

“No, she is just very happy.”

With that Sarah came around the corner running and skipping. Seeing that she might run into other kids, I stood in front of her and tried to stop her and she dove into a bean bag that was just to the left of me. She burst into her guttural laugh that sounded a bit like a hyena.

Correction: She was very, very happy!

Mary, a member at the church I previously worked at, wanted to share with me a ministry she was involved in with Young Life. This program, called Capernaum, specializes in ministering to special needs teens and adults and has a local chapter at an area church. This was the first time I met Mary face to face (all our correspondence prior to this was via email) and I was awestruck by this beautiful young woman as she shared her heart about this ministry.  She truly loves it!  It was very evident that she deeply cares for her Capernaum friends. Her face lit up as she spoke about a recent a girls’ movie night watching “Frozen” and how much fun she had with them.  Her excitement was infectious and I left our time optimistic for Sarah to try Capernaum out.

The night of the next Capernaum meeting I told Sarah that we were going to a place for her to make some new friends. Sarah blankly looked at me but turned around to grab her boots.

Okay, looks like she’s in!

As we walked into the church Sarah grew in excitement. She held my hand but started to skip and pull me. I opened the door to the classroom and Sarah took off like a bullet! She ran, skipped and laughed. Actually, lots of laughing.  Kendall came, too, and stayed with her while I joined the other parents for a parent meeting about guardianship, SSI benefits, trusts and many other things we need to think about as she quickly approaches age 18. It was overwhelming (more like “mind-blowing, ‘I need prayer’” overwhelming) but I am so glad I went! David and I now have a starting point.

When I picked up Sarah at the end of the meeting she was in the sensory room. The church has a sensory room! Wow!! (The church uses these rooms for their special needs ministry on Sunday mornings.) She came out of the sensory room calmer but still very happy. She had a blue plastic necklace on. I asked about it and Mary said that they strung fruit loops on them but Sarah ate all of hers off her necklace. Yup, that’s my girl!

The rest of the night Sarah laughed and clapped as she just couldn’t contain her excitement. She was so pleased with herself! One point she came into the Family room where Kendall and I were watching a TV show and she did this jump and twirl in the air and landed with a loud thud. (She gets her gracefulness from her mother obviously) Then she ran out of the room again laughing.

Kendall and I looked at each other and smiled. I said, “I think we found a place for Sarah.”

What an answer to prayer! This is something that Sarah can do and enjoy.  I am so deeply grateful for Mary for reaching out to me about this!

This month’s praise and prayer requests I mentioned a praise that on the Sundays we do not have an aide for Sarah at our church I have been attending a Family Service (basically a cry room) that allows me to bring Sarah. It has been such a blessing and I do love this church! It is my extended church family! My friend, Jill W, read this praise and wanted to let me know about her church’s special needs ministry that could benefit and be a blessing to Sarah. Jill W has such a tender heart towards our girl! She is the one that sent the “The Big Game” blog about the basketball game to Sarah’s principal so she could read it.

I am humbled and grateful that the Church is not defined by brick or mortar but by a common love and worship of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I LOVE my church. It is our home. It is our family. Yet, I am thankful for the larger corporate body of Christ that offers ministries like these that we can participate in to create… a place for Sarah.

I see a lot of laughing, clapping and the occasional one foot axel jump in our future!

“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” I John 4:11

**I made a new page that lists past blogs. The archives just give a month’s totals but it does not list out what the blogs were about. This ‘List of Past Blogs’ page names each blog with a brief description. I hope this helps if you are looking for a particular blog.  Bless and thank you for reading and praying!!

The first two weeks I was home and no longer working I became a sloth, Murray the sloth, to be more specific. Murray was the honorary mascot at the engineering firm I worked at for almost 7 years. Our company sold to the aerospace sector and one of my co-workers found a photo of a sloth wearing an astronaut outfit. The sloth actually looked like he had a grin on his face. Bingo! Our office mascot was born and we named him Murray. We found various photos of sloths, but my favorite was a photo of a sloth wearing a Santa hat that we wrote “Murray Christmas” on it and we gave it to our boss at Christmastime.

Here is the thing as we began to research sloths; sloths sleep a lot. While slow, when they do something they are very intentional about it. It might take hours for them to move from one spot to another but they are focused and deliberate.

Kind of like me right now.

Those first two weeks I was home, I slept. I slept a lot! I thought, “What is wrong with me?!?!” It was as if everything finally caught up to me and I crashed. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent. It reminded me of Elijah in I Kings 19. He was weary. He had reached his limit. He was doing what God had called him to do, but life finally caught up with him. He, too, found himself emotionally, physically and spiritually spent and unable to go on. He found a tree and fell asleep under it. God sent an angel twice to provide food and water and the angel said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” I Kings 19:7

“The journey is too much for you….”

Wow. Have you ever felt that way, too? Are you like me thinking, “Now where did I put that white flag again? I need to sew it to my sleeve. It will make it so much easier to wave it. I’ll just need to lift my arm.”

“Yoo hoo, Lord!!” as I frantically waive my arm/white flag of surrender.

While I can’t change this Autism journey (or you may not be able to change the journey God has called you to walk right now), I am thankful we are not alone on it.  In fact, the Lord wants me to realize that He has been here all along and wants to help me long before I think I need to find the white flag of surrender. He doesn’t want any of us to be at the point that we are burned out, frazzled and on our last nerve. He wants to give us rest and to come to Him for strength!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I did find rest for my soul and I feel so much better! It was wonderful to slow down and sleep.

A lot like Murray.

I am also giving myself a spiritual tune-up. I have been studying a book on prayer in Bible Study and I have to admit, I got rusty in my prayer life. In the past, I would pray a quick blanket prayer, “Lord, be with David; be with the kids right now at school…” type thing. This Bible Study is teaching me that I can’t be lackadaisical when it comes to my prayer life.  It is focused. It is deliberate.

A lot like Murray.

I am thankful for my “sloth like time’ that allowed me to be refreshed and renewed. Now I am ready to go again with a sense of purpose and being intentional to go where God is calling me to go.

A lot like Murray…but hopefully a tad faster!

Thank you and bless you for praying! I have updated the Praise and Prayer Requests for this month. It is a separate page and it is a bit tricky to find. The page location depends if you are viewing this on your phone or computer/tablet. It may take some navigation but we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for praying for our girl (and us!)!!

“I’ve never been well.”

After 20 weeks of morning sickness/all day sickness being pregnant with the girls, I told David, “Honestly, I don’t remember a time that I was not sick. Even Jim (2 years old at the time) mimics me throwing up all the time. This is how our son sees me. Truly, I’ve never been well.”

I could tell David was trying not to laugh as he hugged me and kissed my head, but he has also never let me forget it! He should have known then what he was in for when I get sick.

This past week Sarah and I came down with the flu. This is when sharing is bad! The flu is hard especially for a semi non-verbal special needs child because you don’t know how they are feeling.  Thankfully, Sarah’s case was not that severe.

Me, on the other hand, I was lying on the couch with a water bottle in one hand and gripping the thermometer in the other. When I am sick I like to do two things:  #1- Call my mother to let her know. It just makes me feel better. #2-Take my temperature several times.

David understands the first one, but the second one puzzles him, especially as I call it out to him.

“100.3!” in the raspiest of voices.

“Now up to 101.1!”

“102.5!”

And later in the evening, “Oh wow. It’s 102.8.”

“Why do you do this? Why do you keep taking your temperature? Do you realize you’re hugging the thermometer?”

“It’s my validation. It justifies to me that my insides match how my outsides are feeling.”

You can’t argue with that reasoning!

It reminds me of how Kendall and I love to watch those makeover shows. The person comes in looking frumpy or ridiculous and the stylist gives the person new clothes, new hair and make-up and then at the final reveal they look amazing. Sometimes, though, the person opens their mouth and what comes out does not match the outward transformation. (Yikes!) Kendall looks at me and it is a good discussion about inner and outer beauty.

Luke 6:45b, “...his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.” (NASB)

I Peter 3:4, “Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.” (The Message)

It’s true. When I think of the women in my life that I think are truly beautiful, it is not their outward beauty, per say, but a reflection of their inner beauty. For example,

“When my friend laughs her eyes dance with joy. They just sparkle. I love that.”

“With all that she has going on in life right now; my friend’s face beautifully shines peace. I want to be more like that.”

“I love how after spending time with her I feel encouraged and uplifted. She is the kindest person I know. I love how you see her loving heart when she talks to you.”

This Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) inner beauty matches the outer beauty of these friends; a validation of true beauty. This is what I want for my girls.

When Kendall entered Middle School I wanted her to know what voices were the ones to listen to in regards to her beauty. I painted a plaque with Psalm 45:11 on it and hung it by her mirror. I want her to see it every time she gets ready in the morning.  It reads,

“The King is enthralled with your beauty; honor Him for He is your Lord.” (NIV)

Regardless of what the world says beauty is, we want her to know that inner beauty is more important and that the King of Kings, her Creator, is crazy about her!

It is the only validation she will ever need.

Well, the new job did not work out.  As if a character in a story, I had a foreshadowing statement that I should have paid more attention to when it occurred. I thought it was profound when it was said to me.  It was just like in a movie when the music starts to play to signifying to the audience that this was an important statement and to pay attention to it.  Now, I look back and shake my head that I didn’t pick up on it.

Pastor Josh was exactly right.

Pastor Josh, the youth pastor at the church, said to me, “Jill, may I say something to you?  I think that working is good for you to step away from your life with Sarah and just be ‘Jill’.  It is a place for you to be you.”

I agreed with his statement.  I did enjoy being ‘Jill’ and work has been an escape from the stresses of Autism, but I still thought that helping other parents with Autistic kids would be a good fit for me.

I was wrong.  I was very, very wrong!

I quickly and harshly found out that my idea of bringing comfort to people with the same comfort I received from the Lord (II Corinthians 1:3b-4) was not what these parents were looking for.  It was extremely emotional listening to these parents (some who were just plain nasty) and then coming home to Sarah wetting her bed or having one of her crying fits.  I never got a break from the world of Autism and it took a toll. I tried to make this work! I didn’t want to be a failure. I have grown up with the phrase “A Butler never quits” but I also knew that this was not the right fit for me.

Also, this job turned out to be a full-time job.  My friend thought it could be part-time, but her business is booming!  She is an entrepreneur and a very gifted businesswoman.  I have truly enjoyed getting to know her better.  Yet, this job has quickly shown that this position is full-time and for the time being could not be done from home.  I need her and access to client files to perform this job.

When I shared my heart to her, the owner totally understood.  She agreed that sometimes being too close to the situation actually keeps opening up the wound.  I realized that my Autism wound is still scabbing over and talking all day about the hardships of Autism and then dealing with life with Sarah became too much and my scab became very raw. (And besides, that the job requires more hours I can give.)

Next week I will finish out my duties and I will be unemployed.  We sure didn’t see this in our future!

I am thankful the Lord does know! To be honest, I have cried so much these past few weeks, more than I would care to admit. I miss my joy. During my quiet time with the Lord, I poured out my heart asking Him why this happened.  I came across Psalm 94:14-15 and it truly jumped off the page.

It says:

“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping’, Your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.”

Right now I feel like my foot is slipping, but I am caught by His love!  While I don’t understand, His consolation brings me back my joy and heals my wounds. So thankful!!

Thank you for your continued love and support for us on this journey. Tears fill my eyes (here I go crying again!) that I have people lifting Sarah and us up in prayer.

David also is starting a new job next month and will be traveling more. I am going to wait and see what that means for our family, but will be on the lookout if the Lord opens a job opportunity to me.

Another twist on our Autism journey, but I am thankful our Lord knows the way!