Today is our 20^th wedding anniversary.  I was thinking about our vows and how we had no idea what was in store for us!  Here is the application of our vows 20 years later in view of how our lives have changed with Sarah.  Basically, what we know now that we didn’t know then!

“I, Jill, take you, David, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward”

20 years later of daily application:  To hold me when I am so exhausted.  To let me sob into your chest when Sarah used to smear her poop all over her bedroom walls when she was little.  Or, this on-going crying she is doing, or another sleepless night with Sarah and I feel like I am at the end of my rope.  You hold my hand and look into my eyes and remind me we are in this together.  You pray over me for the Lord to fill the spaces in my heart that only He can to strengthen and sustain me.

“For better or for worse”

20 years later of daily application: You always make the worst days better.  God has given you a big picture mind-set when I can’t seem to see even past the next five minutes. I am thankful that the Lord always has made it for us that if one of us is down or overwhelmed, the other is not.  It truly is Ecclesiastes 5:9-10a:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up.”

“For richer, for poorer”

20 years later of daily application:  When the Behavioral Psychologist said Sarah is ‘your million dollar child’ when she was 3 years old, we thought it was a figure of speech meaning that the costs for her care will be expensive.  Now, we think he meant it literally! 🙂  Yet, here we are.  God has continued to provide and sustain us.  You have shown by example that when a bill comes in (or just this past weekend when our old dryer finally gave out or when we had that sewer pipe in our basement break this winter), that we need to trust the Lord because He knows our needs and He will take care us.

“In sickness and in health”

20 years later of daily application: We had no idea that sickness could mean one of our children and the road we are walking.  I am so thankful you are involved with her care, joining me for doctor and specialist appointments when you can.   You are so good remembering details and dates.  I think it is funny that the doctor just asks you because she knows you will know! I love how you celebrate with me on her successes.  I know she is pleased, too.  She adores you!  While the words are not always there, her eyes tell you she loves her Daddy!

“To love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

20 years later of daily application:  I love you more than I did 20 years ago when we stood on stage at church vowing this covenant between us and the Lord in front of our family, church family and friends.  My love for you has deepened and matured to appreciate the man God has given me.  I cherish your love for the Lord, your Godly integrity in everything you do, your love for me and the kids, your friendship, your sense of humor, your hard work ethic, but most of all..YOU!

I mentioned in an earlier blog we had the Scripture reference Proverbs 3:5-6 engraved in our wedding bands.  We actually engraved two references.  The other is Psalm 126:3, which reads:

“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.”

20 years later of daily application:  So true!! 🙂

Thank you everyone for your faithful prayers for Sarah and for us!

Last month, I shared with you the verses in John 9 that the Lord used to encourage me when I struggled with the thought that I might have done something or could have prevented Sarah’s autism.   Later on in John 9 the healed blind man was questioned by the Pharisees.  (Raked over the coals is more like it!)  I love his response:

“He replied, “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know, I was blind but now I see!”  John 9:25

Sharing what you know; what a great thought!  I don’t claim to know all the answers but I do know Jesus and the difference He has made in my life and that I can share!

My pastor, Pastor Dave Riddle, said:

“I am:

-Not a defense attorney
-Not a prosecutor
-Not a judge
-Not the jury

I am His witness and I speak the Truth!”

I loved what he said so much I wrote it on the back page of my Bible.  It reminds me of I Peter 3:15:

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

Whatever you are facing right now, the tough times you are going through, the “Works of God Displayed” in progress, all we can do is be a witness and talk, share and/or shout the good news of Christ working in our lives and the hope we have because of Him!

Okay, some of us might not feel we are the most eloquent of speakers or claim to be able to debate deep theological truths (there is a reason why I never took Debate class; my palms are getting sweaty just thinking about it!), but we can share with others what we know: the good news of Jesus Christ and what He has done for us!

“One thing I do know, I was blind, but now I see….”

One thing I know is I was hopeless, but He gave me hope…

I was distraught, but He gave me peace…

I was lonely, but He was my comfort…

I was floundering in desperation, but He stilled my soul and held my hand…

I felt empty, but He filled me with joy…

I realize that is more than one thing, but you get the idea! 🙂

I would love to hear your ‘before and after’!  He is at work and He never wastes a trial or a pain!

Today the girls are 14 years old!  I asked Sarah and Kendall what they wanted for their birthday dinner.  Kendall asked for an ice cream cake for dessert but she said she would let Sarah decide the meal.  When I asked Sarah what she wanted for the meal, she said, “cake”.

I said, “No, what food for dinner?”

“Ice cream”

“No, Sarah, what do you want to eat for dinner?”

“Cupcakes”

“No, Sarah,” I said laughing as I looked at David who was listening to the conversation, “Something that doesn’t have sugar in it.”  (I said that more to David than to Sarah.)

Sarah replied, “Chocolate.”

Oh well, it looks like it is going to be a sugar filled birthday!

The twins’ birthday is an anniversary of another event in our lives.  It was at their two year old wellness doctor visit when we first heard the word “autism” in regards to Sarah.

David and I were so sure Sarah was going to need tubes in her ears; that had to explain her behavior.  I shared my concerns with our pediatrician at the appointment.

He looked intently at Sarah and then back at me.

“I think it is autism.  I will be right back with some paperwork.” With that the pediatrician got up and walked out the door.  (We needed a referral to see a specialist.)

“Autism?  What??!  Isn’t that what the character in the movie ‘Rainman’ had?  Sarah is nothing like that!  How can he say that?!  How does he know that it is not her hearing?  He didn’t even look inside her ears!”

The rest of the appointment I was in a daze.  I don’t remember standing in line to check out or paying my co-pay.  I somehow walked out to my car and got all four children in their car seats and then I sat in the driver’s seat still stunned.   I do remember looking in the rearview mirror and seeing Sarah strapped in her car seat.  Out of nowhere this deep guttural groan came out of me as tears poured down my face.  I felt this heaviness on me that I have never experienced before.  With each labored breath, I felt it and prayed the entire drive home that the doctor was wrong.

“Please Lord…no.”

Unfortunately, as you know, the doctor was correct.

Now, it is twelve years later and we have had some good days; we have had some bad days; and we have had some really bad days.  It’s those really bad days that I feel that deep groan coming up from inside me once again; that feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and physically spent.  It is those times that I tell myself I need to remember what I already know.  I recall His promises from His Word.  Better yet, I like to sing His Word back to Him in praise.  Not always in tune, but from the heart.  It has been a mood lifter time and time again.  The groan is replaced with overwhelming peace that is sweet to my soul.

Like Sarah, her Momma likes her sweets!

Thank you for the 12 years of faithful prayers for us!  Truly, what a gift!!

“How sweet are Your Words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” Psalm 119:103

April is Autism Awareness Month.  The CDC recently announced that Autism affects 1 out of every 68 children; 1 in every 68!!  Each year this number seems to be getting lower.  I remember when it was 1 out of every 250.  I read some book early on in our journey that said 1 in every 10,000 (they were old books!).  There are so many people who are facing the same challenges we face daily.  It is a journey no parent wants to find themselves on, that is for sure!

A few years ago a friend asked me what she could say to another friend who just found out her child had autism.  She said this mom blamed herself for her son’s condition.

This broke my heart because I knew what this mom was feeling.  As a parent of a special needs child, you question EVERYTHING trying to find answers of why this has happened.  You second guess things, ‘Was it the immunization shots?’, ‘Sarah bumped her head on the fireplace hearth that one time.  Did that do it?’ ‘She had a fever that one time…’ and so on.   The Lord immediately brought to mind John 9:1-3 because this is what He used to encourage me when I felt this way.

                “As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned,this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

                Neither this man or his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”

Work of God displayed!!!  Sarah is the vessel for God to show His mighty work!  When we are weak, He is strong!

I wonder what the man might have felt when he heard those words from Jesus?  Or how his parents felt?  It wasn’t anything they did (which their society believed), but it happened to show the work of God in his life!  I bet this mom had an overwhelming sense of relief.  As her son was now a grown man, how many years must she had questioned herself of what she could have done to have this happen?   I wonder in how many social settings she felt like people were judging her and now secretly felt justified?  This happened so that the work of God would be displayed!

Sadly, because they feared the Pharisees and being excommunicated from the synagogue his parents missed out on the fruition of God’s work. (John 9:20-23)  Their son, on the other hand, believed in Jesus as his Savior.  Everyone knew he was the blind man who can now see because of Christ’s work in his life.   I wonder how many people believed in Jesus because of this man’s testimony?

(And maybe his parents did come to believe in Christ later because of their son’s testimony???  These are things I will ask in Heaven!)

All I know is that I don’t want to miss out on seeing God at work in Sarah’s life (and ours!).

He is at work!  He has a reason and a plan.  If you find yourself or someone you love on a hard road like this, be encouraged! There might be a work of God getting ready to be displayed!

“The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”          Deuteronomy 31:8

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b

My favorite bird is the male cardinal with his bright red feathers.  I had one for years by my house that I could stand outside on my deck and if I repeated his whistle, he would come to me.  I am sure my neighbors loved it!  “Honey, close the windows!  There goes Jill with her bird call imitations again!” 🙂   As I whistled back his song, he would sit on a tree branch or on the fence looking at me and I bet pretty confused because I was not the female cardinal he was expecting!

I love that the cardinal is a year round bird here in Michigan.  I know that this sounds strange, but when I see a cardinal it reminds me that God loves me and He is here.  It is a code between God and me that when I see a male cardinal, I am reminded of His presence and His care for me.   There are days when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed (Sarah’s non-stop crying can do that to person!) and I see a cardinal.  I know it is not by accident.  It is the Lord reminding me of Himself and not to be afraid or discouraged of what I am facing in life.

This was especially true just a few weeks ago.  While I knew God was calling me to leave my job, I was sick to my stomach the day I was to hand in my notice.   Going out on faith is not always easy or comfortable!  While my stomach sank, my heart was pounding hard inside my chest as I drove to work.  Every song, I repeat, every song on the radio that morning was about how God is with us or goes before us.  After the third song, tears came streaming down my face as I knew it was His way of encouraging me.  Then I arrived at work.  When I stepped out of my car I could tell my legs were shaking, and then I heard it, a cardinal singing his song.  It sounds so silly, but it meant so much to me as I stood in that parking lot.  Tears welled up as I whispered, “Thank You.”  It was just the reassurance and confirmation I needed before I walked into the office.

What I also love about a male cardinal is that he is easy to spot, if you are looking for him.  In this never ending winter of 2014, his red appearance stands out if you keep your eyes open.  Just like with the Lord!  If you quiet your heart and look for Him, you see His Hand everywhere!

I am on the lookout for this bird.  I repeat his words.  I realize he is always around me.  Funny, how one of God’s creations reminds you of what you need to do!  I need to be on the lookout for Christ in my daily activities; I need to repeat His Words (and apply them to my life) and remember that He, no matter what I am facing, is always with me!

Excuse me; I need to practice my bird call…. 🙂

I quit my job yesterday.  Next month would have marked my 7^th Anniversary at my job.  I planned on working there until Sarah turned 26 and ‘aged out’ of the Autism program, but best laid plans…

I have been so blessed by my job; spoiled really.  I worked between the school bell hours and it was always flexible for Sarah’s needs.  As soon as Sarah’s bus came to pick her up, I would race to work.  Then I would race home, sometimes just beating the bus by seconds as I needed to be there to take her off the bus.   It was jammed packed days, but I thought I had found a balance.  One time Jack asked me, “When do you work because you’re home when we are?”  I thanked the Lord for this gift that it didn’t disrupt their schedules and provided financially for Sarah’s needs.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I am learning to keep open hands to the Lord in obedience.  I have been feeling that the Lord was calling me away from this job, but I was scared because we need the money for Sarah’s care.

A few Sundays ago it was my turn to stay home with Sarah (I watch a church on-line when I stay home) and when David came home I could tell something was bothering him.  He pulled up a chair and with clasped hands said, “Jill, I think we need to go out on faith and take a step into the unknown.  We have been waiting for something to happen, but I think we need to just do it and take a step.”

We have been talking about increasing our involvement in Christian humanitarian ministries, but we were not sure what that meant.  We prayed and what came up was me quitting my job so we can focus more on me being open and ready to serve.  That thought scared us, so we prayed even more!

In the end, we both knew this is what God was calling us to do and I handed in my resignation letter.   Is this crazy?  Yes.  Does this make financial sense?  No, but we truly have peace.

It truly is Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

My dear friend, Pam, said, “Praise our God that as you turn the lights off Friday, God is flipping the switch to even brighter light for your next days ahead! This is what separates us from the rest of the herd of this world; we never have to worry as to where we’re going because no matter what we do, God always sets our compass north!!”

So far I have committed to serve as a leader for the High School youth group mission trip this summer and David and I are working on plans to visit the church/orphanage we support in Haiti.   Other than that I am unsure, other than my compass is set to true north.  🙂  Thank you for your on-going prayers!!

I read “Obedience is God’s Love Language.” I never heard of that before, but it reinforced what I was studying in my Women’s Bible study at church:

John 14:15, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”

I show my love for Him by my obedience!

It reminded me of April 2010.  I was praying to the Lord telling Him I wanted to obey Him, but just as long as He didn’t ask me to do…and then I listed the various things I wouldn’t do.  (That was dumb!)  As soon as I finished my prayer, I felt a piercing in my soul and the thoughts of, “How is that obedience?  Who are you to tell God what He can and cannot do?  Saying ‘Yes, Lord’ and then telling Him but only under certain conditions is not saying ‘Yes, Lord’ at all!  It’s more like ‘I guess, Lord, as long as I agree with it.’”

Partial obedience is disobedience.

It was like a punch to the stomach and a realization that I was not being obedient.  I confessed my disobedience and agreed in my heart what Bible teacher Pricilla Shirer has said, “If God calls you, He will equip you.”  I felt my partially closed hands opening up to Him that I would be obedient to whatever He calls me to do knowing He will equip me for it.

The next month a situation came up that was on my list of things I didn’t want to do and my initial response was to say ‘No’.  The Lord brought to mind what I said only a month before and I said, “Okay, okay, I will be open.” As this situation unfolded over the next two months, the strangest thing happened; God changed my heart that I wanted it.  The very thing I said I wouldn’t be willing to do!  He has a way of changing the desires of our hearts when we are open to His leading.

Then as soon as the door opened, the Lord shut it. Now almost four years later, I see how God was working, but at the time it didn’t make sense. I was so confused and wondered why the ‘no’ especially as it was such a change of heart for me.  (I mean, come on, that was a huge lesson for me!!) 🙂

I think the greater lesson I learned from this was that I needed to still be obedient in the ‘no’, even more so, actually, than when He says ‘yes’.   

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Sarah failed her eye exam at school.  This was not a shock to us.  While Sarah has some language she is not always very cooperative.  Could we even trust that she would say the letters correctly if she knew what the letters were?  Sure enough, we received a letter from the county Health Department that we needed to follow up with our optometrist.

Our optometrist uses prisms to determine Sarah’s vision needs.  It looks very “old school” as she has a large box filled with many spectacles.  She places a spectacle into an eyeglass frame and places it on Sarah’s face.  Then she takes a glass prism and her flashlight and looks into Sarah’s eyes.  Some prisms are about 3” long and are tapered on one end while other prisms are smaller, mounted onto a card along with several other prisms like holes on a piece of Swiss cheese.  It is fascinating to watch her work; removing and replacing spectacles, flipping different prisms around, holding them at different angles, but in the end we had the right prescription to help Sarah.

I had my eye appointment this past week and I asked her how the prisms worked.  How did she know what Sarah needed?

She smiled and said, “I observed Sarah and how she responded.  I like to think of myself as a Behavioral Optometrist.  At first there was no change in her behavior, but did you notice how she looked up at me when I flipped the larger prism around so that the tapered end was facing down?  Her head lifted up.  I saw how the light from the prism made a difference and I knew I was on the right track.”

How the light made a difference…

“I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

“…that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.”  I Peter 2:9

While this life with Sarah has a lot of unknowns, hard times, and struggles, He continues to light and be the Light on our way.  I can truly say He has made all the difference!  He has comforted us when our hearts are heavy.  He gives us strength when we are weary and we feel like our knees are about to buckle and He gives us joy to appreciate the good things.  How can I not praise Him?

Kendall told me one day, “Mom, everything sounds better and much more dramatic when you say ‘soul searching journey’ with it.  For example, I can say ‘I cleaned my room’, or I can say ‘I cleaned my room and went on a soul searching journey.’”

I had to agree it did sound much better and exciting.  And sometimes cleaning her room is not only a soul searching journey, but also a carpet searching one, too!  A two for one adventure!

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me to know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me to the way of everlasting.” Psalm 139:23

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.”  Psalm 51:7

Sometimes with this life with autism, I get depressed.  “Why can’t we do ‘normal’ things like other families?  Why do we always struggle with her behaviors? In a nutshell, I am discontent.  “I wish I had….”  “I wish I was….”  “I wish life would be….”  My discontentment can breed envy and bitterness if left unchecked.  It is a joy stealer.  If I let it progress too long, I find myself empty and distant from the Lord.  This is when I need to go on my own ‘soul searching journey’ with the Lord.  I love these verses that it reminds me that God is ready to give me the good cleaning my soul desperately needs!

Today I took Sarah to see the doctor we have been waiting months to see and it was so encouraging!  This doctor immediately identified Sarah’s crying as a sensory and behavioral issue and is working on ways to help us.  She also gave us a prescription for speech and OT services.  These are things we have paid out-of-pocket for (and it is not cheap!) and now it will be covered by our insurance!  I cried and hugged her!  We still need two more evaluations before treatment can start to address her crying, but I left with hope!  Thank you for praying!!

Speaking about Sarah’s non-stop crying…Here is a story about it.  Enjoy! 🙂

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Last year, we bought my friend’s Equinox.  Her job transferred her to New York City and she no longer needed the car and she sold it to us.  I call this car “Beautiful” because it is.  It has so many neat features that I have only begun to figure out and understand.

My favorite is the ‘hands free calling’ feature.  Usually my cell phone is at the bottom of my purse and my purse is somewhere on the backseat floor of my car.  As long as the phone is in the car, the ‘hands free calling’ feature works.  Now I have not quite figured out how to program it so I could say “Call David’s cell” and it will do it.  I just say the number for it to call.   This usually is not a problem.

As you know, Sarah cries; she cries loudly, especially in the car.  For some reason the moment she gets in the car, she starts to cry and doesn’t stop. It can make for long car rides! One day I needed to call David while I was out and Sarah was crying loudly behind me in the backseat.  I pressed the ‘hands free calling’ button and started to call out the number.

“2, 4, 8, 7…”

The computer responded. “Okay, calling ‘2, 8, 4, 8, 8, 8…’”

I hit the cancel button.  That was weird.

I tried again. “2, 4, 8, 7…”

“Okay, calling ‘8, 8, 8, 2, 8, 4…’”

I hit the cancel button again.  What is going on?  This has never happened before. Then Sarah took a deep breath and let out a loud, top of her lungs scream.  I realized that the speaker was picking up Sarah’s crying and I guess to the computer it sounded like the number eight!  I waited for her to quiet down a bit and tried to yell over the continuous din, “2, 4, 8, 7….”

“Okay, calling ‘2, 4, 8, 8, 8, 8…’”

I gave up.  I hit the cancel button and called him when I got home.

I Peter 3:12 says, “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer.”

I love that image that we, as His children, are always under His watchful eye and He is attentively listening to our prayers.  No matter the chaos of what is going on in my life, He hears over the din and even if my cry is just a whisper, “Please help me! O God, I need mercy!”  He hears me.   He is eagerly anticipating my prayers that I do not have to shout it over the screams of Sarah…or whatever I am facing in life.